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When poetry attacks...

Other things that keep me on Smallville for the interim. Because I know most folks have moved on, and the AO3 group on FB taught me some reasons why. Like apparently there are, you know, out, TEXTUAL gayboy couples on TV shows now. 40+ yo me is kind of blown away by that. Partly I find that a wondrous thing, partly I'm like, but where's the fun if you're not hunting subtext? I'm too old or something, I dunno. But I'm not sure I have room in my heart for more loves, more room in my hands for more fic, and definitely no time for more obsessions, so I haven't watched "new" TV shows since I picked up SV back in '05. I know, I know. People keep trying to get me into SG1 and its offshoots, Supernatural, Hannibal... Someday I'll jump on those bandwagons, but for now I do things like rewatch scenes of Smallville, or watch anything else with Michael in it. Because there's a reason why Smallville was even a thing for so long... and it's called Michael Rosenbaum.
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Anyhoo. End of rambling.

FicWorldProblems

(xposted to LJ)

So here's the thing. I couldn't bring myself to watch past S3 of Smallville. I couldn't. It hurt too much. Because, okay; Lex is my baby. He is my woobie lovechild, and I will hug him and squeeze him and call him MINE, and no one shall ever hurt him ever or I will eviscerate them like a teddy bear subjected to strip search by knife. Just saying. That includes the self-serving Clark Kent, who only gets a pass because Lex still inexplicably loves him. Everyone else dies.

Anyhoo. I didn't even watch past the end of S2 until I had to for my fic, and then I watched each episode as I rewrote it for my VAST canon rewrite, resulting in the fact that I happily have zero concept of what actually happened on the show, because I'm blissfully and completely divorced from reality when it comes to the arcs of the characters / events therein. I quite literally cannot recall which things happened on the show and which things happened in my story, to the point where I'll rewatch a scene for some detail and be like, "Wait... why are you two being all weird with each other? I thought you worked this all out ages ago. Wait; was that in the story? Oh. Damn. That was probably in the story. Now I'm bummed."
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Or I'll do things like... Just now I wrote a scene with Jason Teague. Except I've never watched a scene with Jason Teague. So I cast my mind back to the one scene I've ever watched of Supernatural to remember what Jensen Ackles' voice sounded like, looked at photos of his face and hands, and extrapolated based on his SVwiki bio. We'll see. But the idea of forcing myself through more Lana scenes... especially during a season when my boys had just had their massive break-up, which I've utterly disavowed?

Yeah, not so much. So we'll hope I've sold Jason Ackles, LOL.
Ficworldproblems. They are the real. Heh.

So, pursuant to the last...

The covers for which I made the previous slew of pics.
The NSFW ones are in the works, hehe; these are all still in the pre-smut stage.

Cover Choices Series

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I can't wait to finish the cover for (and get to the smut in!) Part Ten, considering I've had that goal smut written since, oh, 2005 or 2006, LOL...

Meanwhile, finally found a beta in our incredibly dwindling pool before I decided to bail from the wasteland that is FB (thanks be to the AO3 group on there), so I've finally reworked Part One sufficiently that I might even feel up to posting this behemoth soon, *G*

WOOT.

As a bonus I'll also post the cover for my other longest CLexfic (long on hiatus), but I'll finish that one after I do this one. I'd started posting it back before I'd left LJ, before this one took over. So, yeah. Why not, huh?

Brothers Cover
Some of the stuff I've been up to while I've been "away"...
(x-posted in LJ)
Manips in support of or inspired by my Exceptionally Long CLex series called "Choix-Libre", which I've been honing since 2005, and at which I've been working away in earnest for the last three years straight. Right now it rivals well-known CLex entries like CoTW, Manual Transmission, et al (not mine but to give y'all an idea) in length, and I can only hope I might gain even a few readers since much of CLex fandom has fallen by the wayside in the last decade... but mostly I do it because I have stuff to say via this vehicle, and because these boys won't leave me alone.

I shall let the artworks tantalize, and see if there are still any folks out there who like this sort of thing, hehe.

All of these ones are SFW.

So... Reason one why I love Photoshop.
Step one: Remove Lana appendage.
Step two: add the sexy Lexy in where he belongs (thus also excising the Helen appendage).
Results? Turn bad show... into GOOD show.

Crater Lex

(Pls forgive any artifacts: I was still in my learning stages when I did this one, but enjoy the result nonetheless... and it should give folks an idea of where the story is going, hehe)

see more manips below
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I'm just gonna put it out there that this this one bookends the first one as far as removing the wrong person and putting in the right person. Um, yeah. (Tho now that I'm looking at it full-size, I need to do a little color-adjustment at the bottom... I was using it as part of a larger cover, and... huh. Anyhoo...)

Fortress CLex 1

I love me some Photoshop, yo.
I'm so sick of this. It just keeps happening. I'm just... tired. Tired of getting the Move Along sign on the Internet every time I have something that looks like a home, because I'm "undesirable"; of losing contact with everybody all over again, knowing my world's going to get smaller and smaller once more.

This is me showing my age, but I first went through this when we lost our X-Files message board three times in a row in the late 90s and early 2000s. That was my original internet home. Dial-up and instant messaging (old guru with walking stick and memories of AOL and Netscape Navigator).
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In the meantime I hope I find some of you again here, because I need some solace.

Tags:

nostalgic poetry

Some more recent poetry...
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And this year's Nano...

It's so easy to "win" when you have boys like these ranting away in your brain...


"Choix-Libre" Pt. 7: "Coax/Loathe"

Synopsis

Part of novel-length WIP begun 2005 (the parts I'm entering thus start in the middle; 50,000 words cored out of what is already a 1,900 pg tale and growing): 

Title: “Choix-Libre” aka “Freedom of Choice” 

Fandom:  Smallville

Category/Pairing:  Slash = CLex (duh. Is there any other?  Shut up, y'all!  There so isn't!)

Rating:  totes NC17.  Like, not even playing here, people, this is smut that evolves into straight up hawtboipron.  Also, trigger-warning:  rape, child abuse, addiction/substance abuse, self-harm, crime.  Not a vanilla Superman story. 

Genre:  AU.  Plot-heavy w/ romance, m/m later.

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So many Nanos...

Then there was Camp Nano;
"Choix-Libre" Pt. 6: "Covet-Lethe"


Synopsis:

Part of novel-length WIP begun 2005 (the parts I'm entering thus start in the middle; 50,000 words cored out of what is already a 1,800 pg tale and growing):

Title: “Choix-Libre” aka “Freedom of Choice” 

Fandom: Smallville

Category/Pairing: Slash = CLex (duh. Is there any other? Shut up, y'all! There so isn't!)

Rating: totes NC17. Like, not even playing here, people, this is smut that evolves into straight up hawtboipron. Also, trigger-warning: rape, child abuse, addiction/substance abuse, self-harm, crime. Not a vanilla Superman story. 

Genre: AU. Plot-heavy w/ romance, m/m later.

Summary: One choice can sometimes lead to a cascade of others. What would have happened if Lex hadn’t taken his father’s coup at the Caves with just a tumbler of scotch and an “Oh, well”? What would have occurred if his reaction had shown Helen just how far he’d go to keep Clark in his life? What would Helen have done to keep her hands on his money, knowing what stood in her way, and what would Clark have done if Helen had gone too far to keep him out of Lex’s life so that she could maintain her hold on him? What would Lionel have done if Lex had gone too far too soon to keep his father out of the place containing all of his answers? What would have been different if, in the midst of all the pressures and the rage these choices induced, Clark had been hit with just a little more to deal with in that moment? Would he finally have rebelled? Would he have made a different choice? And how would Lex react, if given the opportunity to hear the truth, and Clark if given the opportunity to tell it, in a different time and place? Would he turn a much-needed mirror on Clark? And most importantly; what would have occurred if Clark had had someone on his side who had understood what he was going through during his summer as an exile, and what would be the far-reaching consequences of these choices? We all have choices; choices, and the freedom to choose…if we but dare to step outside the boundaries we’ve been given. And from those choices, lives can become…legendary.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Some people over at the CW and DC own them...much to our chagrin and occasional rage-filled sorrow. I seek not profit but JUSTICE FOR LEX!!! 

Spoilers: C’mon. Entire series by now, y’all. Acknowledges canon to “Accelerate”, AU from “Calling” onward, though incorporates some canon events thereafter. Also cherry-picks wider DC continuum (sometimes instead of SV), abandoned SV plotlines such as the Thomas Wayne-Veritas storyline, and other influences. Even includes some Marvel characters later on (I know, blasphemy!), because I don’t play favorites, and I do what I want.

Excerpt:

Mom laid a gentle hand on his back, and he could hear Dad’s footsteps approaching the doorway, using their quietest stride before halting there to stand in silent support. “If this is anyone’s fault, Clark, it’s certainly not yours. You’ve been fighting for Lex from the first day you met him. Please…don’t beat yourself up about this.”

“I was late, Mom.” It was out before he could censor it. “I let myself get hung up with frigging Ian Randall and Eric Summers, and I was too late.” He closed his eyes for the first time since he could remember, hot tears prickling at the back of his lids, unable to stand their gasping intakes of breath, the feel of their concerned exchanges of glance, their eyes on his back, his face; an unspoken demand for an explanation and a narrative that no longer even f*cking mattered. “I fought and I fought and I thought I did everything I could to slow Lionel down, but it was like wading through tar to get back…and I got there just as they flipped the switch; and if I’d just gotten there a second sooner…” His hand clenched the headboard, so hard he felt the wood splinter beneath his fingers, compress; crack. “I couldn’t stop it,” he whispered.

“Oh, baby…” Her hand tightened on his shoulder. “If those boys were there fighting you then it’s not your fault that you…”

“You don’t understand.” And she couldn’t. She wasn’t inside his head.

Neither of them were. They could never understand what it was like to always be so scared that maybe this time he might be just a second too late. “With every rescue, I have nightmares after; sometimes for months. I see it, over and over again. What if I got there just a hair too late?” His eyes shot open, burned into her beloved, worried gaze. “What if that hatchet had landed, Mom?” he demanded. “Would you still have your fingers?” He rounded fiercely on his father, taken aback and frowning in the doorway. “What if the tractor landed when it fell on you!” It was almost accusing, and he shook his head grimly and jerked away from a face he couldn’t deal with right now, alive. Stared straight ahead at nothing but seeing it all again. “Lana, with that psychopath cop. Chloe, buried alive. So many strangers; but it doesn’t matter if they’re strangers. It doesn’t matter if I know them or not. Not if I’m just a little too late.” 

He closed his eyes again, gorge rising at the thought of it; of the what-ifs that swamped him when he let them; at any moment when he let his guard down even just a little. “And Lex…” he whispered, and let it shatter him as it so often did, in restitution; the worst what-if of them all, now all-to-real in light of today’s debacle. “In that car. Under water. Me, too late. Pumping. Pumping. And getting nothing; till I crack his ribs, break every bone. Till I taste blood. And he…dies.” So bleak, and so real to him. “In my arms. So many times he could’ve…” Lex, with a gun to his head. Lex, with Hamilton railing at him. With Walden, all the power of the Caves trapped in his fist. Lex, with those tattooed idiots who’d robbed him. Lex, jumping out of a f*cking window with a ninja assassin aiming an automatic at him through ruined shards of stained glass. “Again and again, over and over; Lex.” 

It was a broken whisper, barely audible even to him. “So many times I could have failed him.” He bit his lip, hard enough to draw blood, and felt the headboard break under his hand. “And this time…I did.”

His mom was murmuring to him, rubbing his back, and he could hear the helpless note in her voice, could feel her helpless glances at Dad. Was aware when Dad came over too and crouched beside-behind his chair to join in comforting him; sweet lies saying he hadn’t failed, that he’d done all he could. That Lex would surely be fine, that he was strong, he’d come back from this like he did everything.

But Lex was still, and cold, and pale in front of him, and he didn’t move.

And finally, Clark cried.

Nanowrimo

Posting CLexfic to nano!!! Wheeee!!! @22,758 so far!

http://nanowrimo.org/participants/touchstoneaf/novels/choix-libre

Synopsis: Part of novel-length WIP begun 2005 (the parts I'm entering thus start in the middle)...this is going to be 50,000 words cored out of what is already a 900 pg tale and still growing.

Title: “Choix-Libre” aka “Freedom of Choice”

Fandom: Smallville

Category/Pairing: Slash = CLex (duh. Is there any other? Shut up, y'all! There so isn't!)

Rating: totes NC17. Like, not even playing here, people, this is smut that evolves into straight up hawtboipron. Also, trigger-warning: rape, child abuse, addiction/substance abuse, self-harm, crime. Not a vanilla Superman story.

Genre: AU. Plot-heavy w/ romance, m/m later.

Summary: One choice can sometimes lead to a cascade of others. What would have happened if Lex hadn’t taken his father’s coup at the Caves with just a tumbler of scotch and an “Oh, well”? What would have occurred if his reaction had shown Helen just how far he’d go to keep Clark in his life? What would Helen have done to keep her hands on his money, knowing what stood in her way, and what would Clark have done if Helen had gone too far to keep him out of Lex’s life so that she could maintain her hold on him? What would Lionel have done if Lex had gone too far too soon to keep his father out of the place containing all of his answers? What would have been different if, in the midst of all the pressures and the rage these choices induced, Clark had been hit with just a little more to deal with in that moment? Would he finally have rebelled? Would he have made a different choice? And how would Lex react, if given the opportunity to hear the truth, and Clark if given the opportunity to tell it, in a different time and place? Would he turn a much-needed mirror on Clark? And most importantly; what would have occurred if Clark had had someone on his side who had understood what he was going through during his summer as an exile, and what would be the far-reaching consequences of these choices? We all have choices; choices, and the freedom to choose…if we but dare to step outside the boundaries we’ve been given. And from those choices, lives can become…legendary.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Some people over at the CW and DC own them...much to our chagrin and occasional rage-filled sorrow. I seek not profit but JUSTICE FOR LEX!!!

Spoilers: C’mon. Entire series by now, y’all. Acknowledges canon to “Accelerate”, AU from “Calling” onward, though incorporates some canon events thereafter. Also cherry-picks wider DC continuum (sometimes instead of SV), abandoned SV plotlines such as the Thomas Wayne-Veritas storyline, and other influences. Even includes some Marvel characters later on (I know, blasphemy!), because I don’t play favorites, and I do what I want.

Excerpt:

Clark didn’t honestly know why he’d done it, but he had. He’d just been lying there in his tangle of blankets in his huge, too-soft bed in the Castle, tossing and turning. Unable to unsee things; to stop seeing them over and over. Haunting things; waking nightmares. His parents’ faces, white and terrified, with guns to their heads and knives to their throats. Lana, shaking like a leaf, drained of all color, having just killed a guy. Lex, pale as a sheet, bloodied shovel in his hand. Bodies laid out still in the barn… And all he’d been able to think about was the way everything in his life had somehow managed to get worse, not better, even with Edge out of the way and his adoption papers locked away from Lionel behind a new firewall, and the farm financially safe for the moment, and everyone finally more or less getting along, and…

And the worst part was that he knew exactly why. Because there was one thing he hadn’t dealt with yet. He still hadn’t faced up to who and what he was and what the heck was going on for him right now, inside…and worrying about it was just making it worse, and it was like there was this growing, aching emptiness inside him now every time he thought about it.

There was only one thing that ever made him feel better anymore, and in the dark of the dead of night he could no longer deny it, ran out of cope…and suddenly he’d found himself inside Lex’s bedroom; the one place he’d never let himself go, no matter how bad it got. And he’d never tell Lex in a million—a billion years—but he hadn’t come in there for the ring at all. He hadn’t even been thinking about the stupid ring when he’d gone in there.

He’d just been unable to stop himself from needing to be near Lex. Because being near Lex made it better.

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