Love Redeems, Love Saves!!!

Michael is coming! Michael is coming!!! (plus, SMF auditions, cats)

2009-12-05T06:08:54Z

so. long time no read. hope everyone's doing well! i miss y'all. still waiting on working internets. have stolen this moment on the roommie's 'puter.

so...Michael!
he better be there! because, hehe...as always, i can't wait. i'm already getting my squee worked up.

so, yeah. as many of you as possible should come crash at my pad so we can all attack at once this year, lol. my new apartment is open to any and all Baum-lovers!

Date: Saturday February 27, 2010
Time: 7:05 PM
The 12th Annual Hockey Challenge to benefit Ronald McDonald House Charities of Western Washington and Alaska will take place on February 27. Games will be happening all day at ShoWare Center and a ticket to the game that night against the Portland Winterhawks gets fans into any game at ShoWare Center on February 27. Stay tuned for the names of those participating in the Hockey Challenge Celebrity All-Star Game.

http://www.rmhcseattle.org/

*searches for recent Michael stuff to bone up on his projects*
anyone have anything for me? i haven't seen anything new since "Taken Seriously", as i've been sans internet since then. woefully uneducated.

it'll be fun to see paul guilfoyle too, if he's there. I've been satisfying my lust for boi-text by rewatching my csi dvds.

in other news...i have to find a monologue (at this point, one i already know, lol) for auditions for SMF on SUNDAY...

and...I need advice. I'm getting a kitty soon...who is, of course, going to be named Lex. The only question is, gray, white, or orange?! the pressure...

be well all! don't get colds! enjoy the weekend! WHEE! *goes to watch Rosey shake his bum in "Rave MacBeth"

moving across town...

2009-09-20T00:11:28Z

oooh, i might just live in an apartment that looks like Scully's in Vancouver...and is number 1015. *dies a smidge*

okay, so i didn't even know that Linkin Park song...

2009-08-18T20:08:28Z

"Leave Out All The Rest" was from the "Twilight" ST when i decided from radio play that it was utterly CLexy...and now i do know, i still think it's far more CLexish than EdBella...which is funny, cuz to me it's totally a transplant on that soundtrack. But seriously; now we're two out of ten, cuz "Decode" by Paramore is SOOOO CLexy it's not even funny. i think of it as another of those songs where Clark and Lex alternate voices.

"Decode"
(Paramore)

Clark:
How can I decide what's right,
when you're clouding up my mind?
Can't win your losing fight...all the time.
Lex:
Not gonna ever own what's mine,
when you're always taking sides.
You won't take away my pride! No, not this time.
Not this time!
Both
How did we get here? I used to know you so well!
How did we get here? Well, I think I know!

Both
The truth is hiding in your eyes,
and it's hanging on your tongue,
just boiling in my blood.
But you think that I can't see
what kind of man that you are...
if you're a man at all!
Well, I will figure this one out...
on my own! (I'm screaming "I love you so...")
On my own! (But my thoughts you can't decode!)
How did we get here? Well, I use to know you so well!
But how did we get here? Well, I think I know!
Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools of ourselves.
Do you see what we've done?
We're gonna make such fools of ourselves...
How did we get here? I use to know you so well!
Yeah, yeah, how did we get here? Why don't you show yourself?!
I think I know! I think I know!

Both
There is something...I see in you...
It might kill me! I want it to be true...
(or, "I wanted to be true!)

how CLexy is that?! seriously!

On an only vaguely related note, i am pleasantly shocked by how very good Rob Pattinson's voice is. I'm still far more interested in the books than the movies, but as far as talent goes, that boy could definitely have a career in the Blues. NICE voice, very dusky, emotional, strong and effective and not at all what one would expect from a teenybopper emo boytoy (but that's only an accident of casting, lol)...and a guy who plays piano obviously knows how to do the hands thing...and that's sexy.

*is seriously annoyed that one of his songs, "Let Me Sign" is only available to itunes users*

snort

2009-05-17T07:05:56Z

i'm too soft and squushy to be TOS i guess.
Your results:
You are Deanna Troi

Deanna Troi		80%
Uhura		65%
Beverly Crusher		60%
Geordi LaForge		60%
An Expendable Character (Redshirt)		60%
Chekov		55%
James T. Kirk (Captain)		50%
Will Riker		50%
Spock		49%
Mr. Sulu		45%
Worf		40%
Mr. Scott		35%
Data		33%
Leonard McCoy (Bones)		25%
Jean-Luc Picard		20%

You are a caring and loving individual.
You understand people's emotions and
you are able to comfort and counsel them.

Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Test

chased thru dreams suck.

2009-05-17T06:59:12Z

okay, so i had my usual 'being chased by someone with endless resources' dream again...this time set on some wooded lakeshore filled with widely-spaced cottages and blackberry brambles (aka somewhere between here and Canada, LOL)...and i'm leading the others who are also fleeing (other bits of my consciousness, i assume in these situations; it's never just me but "me and all my people", lol)...and i run into Angus and Tim and (i think?) Karin and a few other warm-fuzzy SMF-related people (maybe five or six people renting the place for a weekend or something, approximately half Canadians and half from this side of the border)...and despite the risk to themselves they selflessly and bravely let me/us into the cottage they're vacationing in... And they're all canning or cooking or something relaxing and homey and totally unsuited to mayhem and thus sort of epitomizing the peace i seek in such dreams but cannot stop long enough to enjoy; and all i/we can hope they'll hide us, y'know, for old time's sake, what with the choppers flying overhead and the cops or whatever whacking down the bush and getting closer and closer, etc...and i know i'm putting my peeps in danger hiding in their place, and breaking in on their vacation and all and i hate to do that...and i dunno if its my conscience kicking in or fear of being trapped or what, but damn if i don't end up having to leave and start running again.

grr. well, maybe it was just the dream's purpose to keep me running? stupid mind.

i hate my bizarre 'being randomly and endlessly chased' dreams. i thought i was over them. i have been chased through Aes Sedai gardens by Elaida; through a shopping mall's back rooms by Imperial Stormtroopers and Grand Moff Tarkin (as Han and Leia, no less); through a ghetto in California by cops/ gangbangers/ rapists/ all of the above... But i never expected to find SMF-related folks, especially CANADIANS, whom i tend to trust in matters of fleeing from misguided (usually all-too-american) authority, to show up in one of them!!! poor folks. always getting dragged into our stupid conflicts, LOL!!!

*hugs them for being awesome*
see, Angus; even mostly-gay girls dream about you! like a port in a storm, hee! *pets Angus and assorted other Canadians and the rest of the SMF-goers*

so...Trek.

2009-05-17T06:18:40Z

putting aside all debate on whether it lacked the spirit of thought-provoking-ness of the Roddenberry era (i personally save most of my thought-provoking moments with media for in-home quiet consumption, not for any cinema outside the arthouse), or whether it accomplished what it meant to simply by breathing new life back into the series, garnering new fans who will hopefully then go check out the source material the way Romeo + Juliet did, etc etc...

just answer me this. who all thinks the new Trek movie has (aside from reminding us why we go see movies in the theater anymore: it was just plain FUN!!!) has reignited (in a whole new, angsty way) the first ever and ultimate slashy triangle of Kirk/Spock/Bones?!

methinks we'll be seeing a lot of new slashfiction from those boys, LOL.

i wonder if i'll go see it a fourth time before i start wasting money on "Terminator: Salvation", "Transformers 2", "Harry Potter 5 Million", et al...because whether Roddenberry is rolling over in his grave or no (my intellectual inner Trekker is torn, while my ten year old movie fan is just having a GREAT FUCKING TIME!)...i have seldom had such a damn good time in a movie theater. Not for ages. To hell with plot holes, and i'll save questions of philosophy/ morality/ logic/ discussions of proper reactions to genocide/ how to properly confound a timeline without losing the substance of a series/ whether or not Abrams and co are uneducated heretics or whether they'll possibly do something more plot- and thought-worthy in the easily assured sequel. Putting aside all of that...GodDAMN, i had a blast watching that thing! And, even playing alternate, parentless, angrier and rawer versions of themselves and sporting the occasional odd choice of romantic pairings...for the most part those kids did a good job, IMO, of channelling that version of their characters rather than trying to copy their predecessors' acting styles.

it's no "Khan". it's not even a "Voyage Home", if only because it'll take a while for this newer, angrier, edgier crew to mellow into that easy sense of cameraderie that makes that movie wonderful despite similar time-travel foolishness. It borrows relentlessly. It's a bit slick. You could drive Nero's ship through the 'buh?!' moments. Don't get me started on the whole red matter thing; and Chekov's accent was just...hee!!! I'd put it somewhere around "Undiscovered Country" in its pacing, though without the high aims or suspense, because the beginning genuinely made me cry. But it's just so fast and freeing and exciting and rollicking that i forget until an hour later it's missing that essential Star Trek question or two about what it is to be part of the human condition.

but GAWD, is it ever a good time!!! and re-inspires me, btw, to finally actually spend the wad of cash it costs to buy TOS on DVD instead of relying on the housemate's TIVO and some old tapes, LOL.

TOS was my first fandom, starting when i was three, to the point where i wouldn't even watch TNG till this year. It will always be great to see the original id/superego/ego combo of the original crew together again...in any oddball alternate form. They at least got the cowboy-frontier flavor of the original that separates it from later series; the energy they lacked in a more settled and civilized galaxy.

and FUN! did i mention fun?! (and hee, i spotted a blooper! *iz proud of herself for noticing a detail*)
let the slashing begin!!!

*goes to re-watch "Mind Meld"*

overdue, but... SMF meme '09

2009-05-17T06:00:51Z

if you're not a SMF-goer, you prolly won't get this. be warned.

Three references I kept quoting all weekend:

1. "NEED MORE VEGGIES!" (i was a kitchen line supervisor)
2. "Where's your badge?" (see above; and yes, this was a working holiday, lol)
3. "I'm SO excited about the new script!"

Three happy surprises:
1. I found that one guy I didn't know till last year you COULD find!!! (and it was just about the AWESOMEST experience EVER RECORDED!!!)
2. dedicating didn't turn out to be as scary an experience as i thought it would be. so far.
3. i got to actually see both Lessers and Greaters (even if i was so tired at Greaters i think i dreamed some of it; it was really surreal to me), AND got to finally see the talent show/fashion show for the first time (after like eight years).

Three things that were hard:
1. staying awake for ritual.
2. staying on my feet on the line.
3. riding the fine line between pleasurable flirting and outright promises i could not keep.

Three audience reactions that were just great:
i WAS the audience this year, so i was too immersed in my own experience to notice others'.

Three sources of inspiration:
1. Ebet
2. Dewey
3. the big D...as always

Three ad-lib bits that worked:
again; audience this year. dunno what was ad-lib and what was scripted. Though i found some of the changes great...and I'm sure some of the siren stuff was ad-libbed...and it was all HAWT!!! nearly got dragooned into being red-tagged. hehe, but i got to experience some of that at the Nueve de Beltane, so it's all good. Gods and Goddesses bless you, Nichole, for being just about the sexiest creature alive!!! Just when I think I'm possibly asexual or something, you like, reinvent my libido for me. you GODDESS!!!

Three songs stuck in my head during the weekend:
1. "Hoof and Horn"
2. the chant to the big D. eternally.
3. that awesome "I Am The Fire Bird" thing by Sooj and company that Nichole and Koe sang...cuz...guh.

Three things I’m relieved about:
1. as i turns out, dedication is not as onerous a duty (at least organizationally speaking) as i'd thought it'd be. I'd gotten myself pretty psyched out about it...but it's going to be a more organic experience, thankfully. The Gods work the way THEY work...not according to our schedules! i hate it when these revelations are forced by some artificially-imposed structure/timetable!
2. i got to see Lessers AND Greaters
3. I had time to meet (finally!) and sort of 'pre-dedicate' to the big D.

Three things I’m less than happy about:
1. my exhaustion during Greaters that made me miss a lot in the post wedding-feast haze.
2. missing the sensuality of the old Greaters script...but it was not possible in this version without being too Olympian for even our lot. But it was exploring a whole new set of feelings, so that's all good. Hopefully next year i'll be able to fully immerse myself in it and let it enter me in a deeper way.
3. missed visiting Artemis, which has been kind of an annual tradition for me for deeply spiritual reasons, as She's been my patron Goddess for most of my life thus far...but i'm sucking hard on wild God rather than wild Goddess energie lately (no pun intended) and i had a lot of overdue honoring to do, so...

Three good conversations:
1. conversations? between meals?! HAH!
2. i THINK i had a great one with BlackCat. I hope i didn't just dream that, because the man has a great mind and great energy...but i will admit that sadly i have a tendency to forget what he says sometimes because (A) his voice is hypnotic, and (B) he is just so damned PRETTY! (not to mention that he exudes sex. which is annoying, because he's gay. and taken. why am i only ever attracted to GAY guys?! LOL)
3. but, far and away...the ECSTASY of my shrine scene with He Who Must Not Be Named was... There are no words other than ECSTASY!!! and a DAMN long time coming (like since my Greaters year, so like seven or eight years now)!!!

Three things I’m sorry I missed:
1. a conscious and intellectual, in depth appreciation of the new Greaters script
2. Artemis' shrine.
3. once again: cheesecloth mysteries and AAOP (it'll happen when it's supposed to, i have faith...and not that i don't always jump in at some point anyway, but i'm NOT gonna not do cheesecloth next year if i can avoid it, so it's all good)

Three times I surprised myself:
1. physical flirtation with a certain girl, which is further than i usually go.
2. what came out of me at my shrine scene with HIM. *mindblown*
3. what came out of me at my shrine scene with Hermes. We really can surprise ourselves sometimes with both what our subconscious knows we NEED to do/get past...and what tools the Universe knows we WILL need in future. Can't wait to see what comes next!
(Bonus: not feeling too bad about missing out on the cast cameraderie...there's always next year, and i realized that that party is for them. we have the Beltanes, LOL)

Three important private moments:
1. My heart to heart with HIM, and my dedication to Hermes.
2. finding (i hope) MY ritual tattoo artist!
3. for some odd and very calming reason, chopping tomatoes with that awescome Itailan Restaurant chick whose name currently escapes me but who has the coolest freakin energie...
(Bonus: as always, cleansing in that awesome WATER!)

Three things that made it all worthwhile:
1. finally dedicating to Hermes after a year of low-level angsting about it.
2. being wanted/pursued is always fun; a rare treat for me.
3. and, the Ultimate... FINALLY FINDING *HIM* and basking in HIS glow.

Three things I now know:
1. i think i could sleep with someone with less strictures than i had previously thought (maybe i'm growing up a bit); though i also know i still need more work on myself just yet...which segues into:
2. i'm ready to start facing losing control of my body. i think. (methinks HE can help me with that. XD)
3. i really NEED Hermes in my life right now. Thank you, Tris Magistus!

Three things I’m going to do next:
1. bask in memories of Nueve de Beltane!
2. dream about making out with Nichole. because anyone who doesn't dream about Nichole (aside from, like Brian, Scotty, and Tim, LOL) is just...unfathomable.
3. work with what Hermes is giving me (my deepest gratitude!) and on the assignment that HE gave me

Three things I’m looking forward to:
1. Sickle tryouts/ being at HSF with Kim/SMF tryouts
2. my first tour at Wolf Haven
3. working with Hermes, and later, finally dedicating to HIM.

on the surface, "a ritual drama weekend re-enacting the Persephone/Demeter/Hades story on a decommissioned Coast Guard base with 300-odd pagans" sounds fun but sort of repetitious after a few years and not all that life-changing. And yet it is Utterly Transformative; EVERY DAMNED TIME.

SRSLY. what IS it about that festival?!!!

Best. Commercial. EVAAR!

2009-04-07T04:19:54Z

scary bolly

2009-03-22T20:26:23Z

ppl should so not try to translate lyrics!
ROFLMAO!
not sure which was funnier; the 'Rico Suave'-type machismo in the singer/dancer, or the 'subtitles'.

okay, 2 more Scotland poems

2009-03-22T19:41:16Z

“Calton Hill, Beltane”

May Queen proud
reborn and mated
Green Man leaps
back to his feet.
Fires rekindled
by faith and imagination
breathe new life into
ancient tradtion.
Fires whirl
weilded by red men.
Blue men sway
before their Queen.
Fire eaters dance
devilish dervishes
mesmerizing
the joining crowd
while watchers sit
on the ruins, entranced
the shadows of pillars
stone trees like broken teeth
dancing around us
wavering in the light
of the Bel teinne need-fires
Ten thousand revelers watching
old customs return
Three by three by three
they turn the gyre
rebuild the fire.
Dance till dawn
in an excess of madness
coming in with spring
slaughter the wicker calf
on the cliffside
exploding over the rooftops below
in a shower of blessings
and fleas begone!
the Green Man leads
all maidens north
to Arthur’s Seat
to wash their faces
in morning dew.
Goddess bless
all you who remember
and try to return
to what She decreed.
***

“'Mine Old Romantic Towne'”

We were not welcome
where the pulsing light
of warning will-o-the-wisps floated
an too-easy name
for those restless spirits
I saw that night dancing
to chase us away;
we foolish revelers who thought
to spend the night in an uneasy yard
full of unnamed graves
tottering like rotten teeth
in mossy gums
one piled atop another, for centuries
rich and poor
plagued-ridden, died early
died young
no hopes, no dreams
all anger.
We should not have stayed.

And that one large cupola
which in the light of day seemed an object
of fantasy, a chamber
for the execution of vampires
staked out in the moving beam
of sun from a circular skylight
far overhead
was at night a tomb to flee
filled with echoing spirits.

The city filled
as you pass through the Old Town
with the hill-high lumps left behind
from the burials of the plague
still there to trod over
after nearly eight centuries.

The medical college
with its collections of
medieval instruments
full of ghosts

The catacombs beneath the city
the haunt of tourists on Sam'huinn
thinking it would be a Hallowe’en frolic
to walk the places
where the poor and deformed lived out their days
in dark and silence
beyond the Pale
where the line of the Flanders Wall
crossed the World’s End pub
and said, ‘keep out’.

Went to a poetry reading the other night...

2009-03-22T18:39:16Z

since i can finally do stuff like that (almost makes working days worth it, LOL), and got all fired up to write when i realized i had written tons of poems about Zimbabwe and never got around to writing about Scotland. It had been completely overshadowed by my African experience and i never digested it. So i wrote a few. finally. Like, ten years later.

wow. now THAT blows my mind. TEN years!
***

“Holyrood”

Arthur’s seat had been there, they say
since the Earth began; the bony basalt stump
of an old titan that once
sat bestride the world.
Plug, they called him; volcanic core.
Such unromantic terms for this shrunken behemoth…

You are struck by his age. We have nothing this old in the so-called ‘new world’.
Here, even our land seems younger. In a place
where the structures are made of stone so aged
your skin crawls thinking of it, your mind quickly shies away
from such immensity.

One of three such ‘plugs’ was he;
siblings who between them held a cradle of life;
a valley now filled with buildings whose skins
are thick with soot from centuries of living.
You can read the stones like Braille; each layer of detritus
an age; coming away thick on your fingers like fur, or mold;
you can taste it in the air.

The three of them, posts
strung between them the hammock
of a civilization.
castle.
monument.
and untouched sentinel.

He was the only one who did not suffer
the touch of human works upon his brow;
whose back humped and rippled undaunted
by the passage of our ephemeral feet along the ways.
Old bones, this earth holds, ancient wonders.
Beside him, our youth seems too light.

Not a blasphemy, though. He laughed when we touched him,
young and brash and filled with the immortality
of twenty.

The three of us girls had decided
near the end of our stay, to slumber there;
filled with youthful exuberance, that invincibility
that comes with a certain age
somewhere between eighteen and free
and thirty, and certain now
we weren’t so sure as we thought we were.

We found a sort of an eyot of stone that hid below it
a cave;
nothing more, really, than a shallow delving made
possibly a hundred or more years ago by tired workmen
quarrying ever deeper into the stones of the spine of Alba
to build a palace of modern glory; in the renaissance,
from stone that had been formed before ever our species walked here;
our too-brief footsteps fading in the springy turf..

We spend the night lying under a sky colored royal purple
it seemed only fitting. The northern lights here but a faded swirl that kept
its hue till three a.m., and left us
at dawn, covered in dew and wondering
how far north we really were.

Laughing as we skipped out naked to relieve ourselves on stubborn tundra
that had been growing without any help on stones that seemed too sterile for life
for millennia
naked in our blankets, while our male friends came to check on us
and went again, leaving us alone
to laugh an d share the kinds of secrets
only sometime sisters can.

The next day we returned to the dorms only to find
Holyrood park was where the rapists spent their time
looking for young meat like us camping in the quarry where we’d spent
such an innocent night.
It minded me of my first days here, in the summer, sleeping
over a wall behind the castle, on the other mountain
never knowing my danger, feeling safe
to have finally come where my blood called me
so deep it now seems like a dream.

Later i walked to his other side, Arthur’s Seat
just one of a thousand with that name, but this one unique,
somehow older
to see what i could see hidden behind his shoulder where he
had his back turned
so resolutely toward the city sprouting
at his kilted feet.

and found myself treading
on the remains of pleated terraces
left behind in the bronze age, so long-used or so painstakingly made
as to leave utterly indelible markings; rounded only little by generations
abandoned, untouched, to the elements brushing smooth the nap of his flank.
Finally a mark, left behind by us;
forever inscribed on sod that had been there, unturned-seeming
since before our race had
even been born.
***

“Witches Storefront”

I found you by accident, or destiny.
You were tucked away beneath the causeway that soars
thirty feet above the street. Where the nobles once walked
on roads of stone, high above the common heads,
with their freezing feet trudging through mud and human ordure
down there in streets below your noses, where
the leavings of chamber pots were thrown from windows
and only the rain kept the gutters clean
in a city where the stones still grow moss like
a skim of verdure inside a square chute in the side of a building
rich enough, once, to have had what passed for plumbing;
a hole through which the faeces rolled
on their way down to the street where your lessers walked
the narrow line between poverty and the noose
down there on the grassmarket and the cowgate
where the public executions took place like a clock ticking;
the heads and the hangings rolling as inexorably as
the bell called the survivors to the presbytery
to hear John Knox denunciate hellfire
over your bowed heads.
Somehow, by miracles unheralded by that god (but surely
it means enough that you did!), you kept that place
for generations, beneath the causeway where the rich folk and the
priests and preachers walked; huddled
and were not burned, or hung, or emancipated from your head
long enough that your daughters and granddaughters are still here, selling
the wares of the ancient midwives’ trade, and herbs
candles that are as gothic as the tin jewelry sold in the trendier stores are not
everything dusted with age, everything an heirloom
bent, but unbowed, in this precarious safety
of invisibility. The ancient spell you wove about your livelihood, stubbornly held
reinforced by the desperation and certainty of generations
working so well, even now, that I
walking past, nearly went on my way, barely noting a door
beside a curtained window, that despite
being on street level, could have been a private residence, and not
the receptacle of secrets carried over
from the burning times.
Perhaps you went disguised as an apothecary, once, your sons
carrying on the secret for you, and giving
a skim of respectability to your trade, by selling
your herbs over a counter beside foreskins and the foetus of a sucking pig.
I do not know how you did it; I can only gape in wonder
that still here you are; your storefront draped in dark, dust-stained cloth
so that the curious could not see inside, and know the old ways were
still practised here. A drape hiding inside wrought iron candelabra
books covered in leather dustlike dead skin cells exfoliating wisdom
hidden behind piles of paper that calls parchment to mind.
a clutter that is a method of concealment
a feeling of age and struggle and white-knuckled triumph!
You held on.
And so you are here for me now, when I come searching
through thousands of years of truth and lies, hoping
to find some proof that where it began, it still is
or even that it was not a myth, after all
that you ever were; because I need you to be…
here. now.
***

“Trinity”

the three trees were exactly as i envisioned them to be, when i found them
at the centre of the garden so unexpectedly left
in my path from one building to another
in this campus scattered all across the city
in a way that made me wonder if each building had been dropped
from the sky, or rented by some scholar
generations past, and kept now by sheer ennui.
they held twiggy hands, these three trees, in the centre of the circle.
exactly as i expected them to be, when i saw the benches
and the dance of daffodils outside on the grass.
they hid their secrets inside, so that from where i stood observing
they could have been anything;
wall of ivy
leaves hanging from nothingness
oak, ash, birch, thorn…
something ancient as the sea
surely each of these trees must have been
one of the Holy Woods.
they stood, heads together, huddling
holding hands, swinging in their ancient dance
do-si-do-ing through the ages
heads thrown back, leafy hair taking in the sun
leaving dapples at their horny toes
digging deep into earth that had fed and housed them
since the seed. now with all they’d seen
they were perfect, for me
Maiden Tree, lithe and graceful
Mother Tree, pregnant with burls
Crone Tree, gnarled and full of years, and knowledge;
but each of these older than my understanding of the world.
i came here to meet them, i think.
they were exactly what i’d needed to see, just then…
affirming my path both forward and back;
blood calls blood, bone calls bone
there is nothing superficial about something
old enough that even the trees know it,
and show it.
***

Seattle Hockey Challenge '09.2!!!

2009-03-02T11:27:57Z

Part One: (Seattle Hockey Challenge '09.1!!!)

Part Two:

I forced myself to move on after thanking him again, and then hung around snapping pics for Rosenbaummedia and y'all. The security guys kept trying to move me along (not sure why since there were a lot less people there this year, what with the move to the new arena outside Seattle... Oh yeah, side note. The hockey challenge will be in the T-birds' new arena in Kent, WA from now on, rather than right inside Seattle's Key Arena. Which i find hilarious, since Michael played Lex who COULD have been a Kent if the damn family had treated him right, but that is only a sign of the hand of fate if you're a CLexhead or a real Smallville freak and he probably didn't even think about it). Anyway, they tried to move me a lot but I perservered and got as many pics as I could by the simple strategy of moving only two or three feet every time they shuttled me away. Michael looked up once and saw me snapping pics like a madwoman, and smiled and said (a bit incredulously perhaps), "How many pictures are you gonna take?" (*flail flail flail over the memory of his teasing expression*) I told him, "As many as I can; they're for Rosenbaummedia!" He said, "Well then, take some good ones!"
(*FLAIL!!!* The man has so much charisma it should be illegal...or bottled and sold so we can take it home with us).

I tried out the camcorder function on my camera for this interlude, but i couldn't get it to work right. Unless, of course, mediaplayer just won't play that format. But anyway, I have a vid that is a frozen shot of Michael and a lot of audio, but I only caught him saying the last part. I didn't want to record too long and fill up the memory card so I'd be out of picspace for the game, so I stopped it. Good thing too. The audio is pretty screechy, so when I upload it onto Youtube, my apologies in advance and please remember it's my first ever attempt to use a digital camcorder.

Later along the way, during a signing lull I called out, "Michael!" He looked up and I asked, "Are you playing this year, or announcing?" He said he was playing. I asked, "How's the back?" and mimed touching my lower back in case he couldn't hear me. He answered with a so-so gesture and said, "It's okay. We'll see how long it lasts." He is such a trooper. He seemed really laid back this year compared to last, by the way. Not sure if it's because Tom Arnold wasn't there for him to joke around with him, as that always seems to pep him up, if he was tired, or just more relaxed. Didn't change his charisma one bit. He turns that smile or one of his playful expressions on you, and INSTANT meltitude.

Another aside; BFF Chris wasn't with him this year. Anyone know if they broke up?

There was another lull, and I'd remembered that I'd wanted to try to be selfish and get him to sing happy birthday to me as he'd done last year for one of the Rosebuds, as I'd berated myself last year for not telling him it was my birthday in order to join in with the treatment (cuz, seriously. SWOON!)...so I leaned in and said, "Michael, you're the best birthday present ever!" and he smiled big and said, "Oh, happy birthday!" And he was totally geniune about it.

Love that man.

After the signing, I checked out the auction table. Michael's jersey had a buyitnow price of $750. Have you seen those things? You could live in a hockey jersey like a pup tent. The Lex shirt from Season Six had a buy it now price of $250, and somewhere in there, Michael had taken the time to sign it...perhaps when the woman who donated it was in the autograph line chatting with him. Oh, would if I had $250 extra just laying around. Then I checked over the pics I had so far. I apologize in advance for the glare: the autographing table was up against windows with way too much light coming in, so Michael disappears into the sunset a lot. Romantic and heroic, but not that great for photography. Hopefully they'll set it up on the other side of the building next year. Which would have the side benefit of being on the same side as our cars so we can come in without walking around the entire building, LOL. I called Lexalicious to update her, geared up for my dash to the seats by the glass when the time came, ate, and generally cooled my heels through the interminable game between the Seattle Thunderbirds and the Portland Winterhawks (who have totally stolen the Chicago Blackhawks' logo, but i digress).

(Note: for anyone planning on buying tix for coming years, apparently it is always the Portland game that is the Hockey Challenge benefit game. Dunno if it's a big rivalry/money draw thing, or an inter-city Ronald McDonald House cooperation deal or what, but worth keeping an eye on the Seattle Thunderbirds' webpage for that game so you don't get taken by surprise like me. I thought the game would be next weekend when i was solvent again, since the last one was in the first week of March, and put up with all the memos I get on the stupid T-birds' mailing list all year to make sure i got the heads up about the challenge...and i only got the email from them like two days before the benefit. I'm watching their schedule from now on!)

During a break in the Portland game, Paul Guilfoyle and Michael played a game on the big screen called, "Name that Song" or something to that effect. They played theme songs from three CSI shows, the first being the original, and Paul and Michael were both pretending they had no clue what they were from (though Our Boy did a great RockOn hand during the "CSI: Miami" one, hee!). Then Paul was all..."Uh...some crime show...C...S..." And Michael's like, "CSI, yeah!"

It was fairly hilarious.

So FINALLY all the drunken yahoos who came for the Portland game cleared out and I moved my ass down from my crappy nosebleed seats (though they were actually still pretty good from a birds'-eye sort of perspective, they weren't anywhere near the glass and Michael, and that just won't do for the celebrity game!). I remained standing while they showed the special presentation on the Ronald McDonald House kids (they make a movie about a different kid every year, some of whom didn't make it, and it would just bring a tear to your eye)...and then when Our Boy and his friends filed out into their respective boxes, I of course chose to sit right behind Michael's box...and let me tell you, kids! This new arena is SPARKLING new. As in, glass like clear mountain air! I swear i thought nothing was there at all a few times. Which, if you remember all the scarred glass people were piccing and vidding through last year, is so a good thing. I mean, it made for some glare problems, but i felt like i could reach down and whisper sweet nothings into Michael's ear and blow cool air on his overheated neck.

Not that I would. I just practically could have, if i wanted to.
*ahem*

Anyway, they stood for the anthem and got the show on the road. My Paul Guilfoyle-loving friend moved away to the other box and sat behind her guy snapping pics (Michael and brother Eric were on Team Green, and Mr. Guilfoyle was on Team Blue). The Rosey-brothers' team included a chick whose name I unfortunately cannot recall (i barely caught it last night) but who is a bronze medalist from the Olympic team. Naturally she kicked ass and it was cool to see a chick playing with the guys. I am so sick of male-dominated sports getting top billing on TV, etc. /Soapbox. Anyway, Michael seemed to make it a point to scoot up next to blond Olympic chick a lot of the evening; at the anthem, on the bench. It was pretty cute. He was being...friendly. *giggles like a fangirl*

Maybe he was lonely without BFF Chris.

The game rawked. I mean, what I saw of it, since I spent any portions I could updating Lexalicious with text messages, snapping pics for y'all (damn it's hard to take pics of a hockey game when your camera can't take pics of anything that's moving!). Thus I apologize that some of said pics are blurry and/or full of glare. Next year I'm bringing a better camera. I thought I was set because I had a digital (bought it right after the spectacular failure of my 35mm last year, which was the straw that broke the camelback as it were)...but my camera is a ShopKo sale special and it takes way too long to snap a pic. Thus you have a perfect shot...and then people are all, you know, moving, and all the camera gets five seconds later when it finally finalizes is a colorful whirl of jersies in motion. Hence, sadly, none of my hockey PLAYING shots came out, *cries*. Michael didn't spend nearly as much time on the bench as it seems from this selection, I assure you. That was just the only time I could get the man to sit still (though he doesn't twitch around nearly as much as brother Eric). If Mikey's back was bugging him at all he sure wasn't playing like it was! It was WAY too awesome to finally see him SKATING like a pro, even if we missed him on the mic. (I wasn't the only one who thought so. There was a dude to my left who twice yelled to the announcer to switch up. "Get on the mic, Mike! You're more fun!" Hear hear!)

So, yeah. Michael was team captain for the green team, and he rawked it. He led them in a cheer, and played starting forward. He was ALL OVER that ice, and you could tell he was loving that he got to skate this year. There was one great shot of him and Paul Guilfoyle skating side by side that i wish had come out, and a couple when they're throwing down the puck and Michael's pwning the thing like it has his name on it, but they were too blurry (*mourn*). A couple of times he did get on the mic, sounding breathless and teasing the announcer for making him talk when he could barely breathe, but he was always up and over that wall the minute a change-up came, rarin' to go. Once he called for some Michael MacDonald music again as he did last year (i wonder if that's a namesake thing?), and sang a bit. Which makes me way too happy, that startlingly accurate, melodic vocal impression. The man acts like no other, is an athlete, has charisma and creativity up the wahoo, loves the eighties...and he sings too. He is way too freaking talented and awesome to be legal. At least not running around (ostensibly) unattached!

Okay, so midway through the game, Michael takes a penalty shot. He misses...but oh dearie me Lord he looks good all on his own on the ice skating toward the net like an unstoppable force. *fans self*

Michael's team was on top for most of the game. He and brother Eric sort of alternated on the ice and played damn well. And I must mention that it's disconcerting how much they look alike. The announcer kept accidentally saying the wrong brother's name. Michael was very insistent on correcting him when the announcer gave credit to him for one of Eric's shots. He's so awesome. I was taking pics from behind them and seriously; at one point i thought I was piccing Michael and it turned out it was Eric, and Michael was on the ice. Now that their hair is the same, it's just hard. With helmets, even harder.

Near the end of the game, team Blue caught up and it was a tied game. Closest one in years according to the players as they bantered back and forth. Last year was more of a shutout (if you recall, Michael tore off his jersey in disgust and defected to the other team in '08, LOL). Time for the shootout...which means, of course, the Patented Michael Owen Sweaty Shootout Striptease. I had SUCH a great pic of him looking COMPLETELY illegal in his sweats and pads...but he was blurry. A freaking CRIME. NO ONE should look so damn HOT*HAWT* in a t-shirt and hockey pads. I mean, seriously. *faints a lot*

*climbs back to computer chair*

So, off comes the jersey and pads...and He's in the leggings and a long, slimming dark gray t-shirt that showed that OMG, he is in SUCH good shape, slim as ANYTHING... (*FLAIL*)...and his shirt, kind of thin and well-loved-looking, says 'NERD' on it in big red capitals. Because Our Boy is Totally One Of Us!!!

Michael Owen Rosenbaum, stripping down to a slimming gray nerd shirt. *Flail, FLAIL, FLAIL!*

And then, as if unsatisfied with the heat in the pressure-cooker, the announcer dude comes up to Michael and says, "Take it ALL OFF!" (YES!) and starts to rip his shirt over his head from behind. MICHAEL-TUMMY ALERT!!! Sadly, he was unsuccessful in assisting Our Boy in finishing off his striptease (which just makes it more of a tease, IMO). Michael does that whole, 'I feel violated!' expression that he did in the featurette for "Sorority Boys" and pulls his shirt down, but not before we get to see some abs. Cue the hyperventilation from me and my companions. I was sitting next to a couple of young girls who, I was impressed to see, knew him from other than SV, unlike so many who come to this event. They had big glossy blown-up Adina pics in envelopes they'd had Michael sign. They had all the other celebs sign the envelopes...but the pics were for Michael. Cuz he is the shizzy.

And was almost naked from the waist up for a moment.

And they wonder why he is up there in the top of my man-list. That man could change the sexuality of a rock.

Oxygen.

Yeah. So. Michael takes his shot in, like, his shirtsleeves (is there no end to the man's hotness?) and unfortunately misses...though he looks damn good doing it, so, understandably, I barely noticed. It certainly didn't take anything from the experience. Then they did a lot more sparring and joking and hashing over who would take the other shots. It were cute. Sadly, the camcorder function was on the fritz for that one too (or my tech skillz is teh Lame, one or the other)...so we've got a still frame of Michael and the other dude who did the announcing, with a fairly decent audio track (except that the guy next to me in the stands kept yelling, "Pick Muller! Pick Muller!"...which made my speaker crackle something fierce). Then Olympic girl makes a shot and ties it up again. But Guilfoyle's Team Blue team keeps answering. Michael makes a hilarious face that my camcorder won't record, dammit, that was like he was blowing air out of his cheeks and going, "Blah!" and looking all disgusted and flummoxed and he is just too cute and hammy for words in any language.

He kind of makes you want to climb right through the glass, if you know what i mean.

In the end, after about ten minutes of shootouts answering each other back and forth Team Blue made an unanswered shot and the game was over. Michael comes out and thanks everyone for coming and being here for the kids and asks us to come back next year. I cheer till I think my ears will bleed. Several of us stand on the metal rail for a moment to yell over the glass to him so he can hear us thanking him and the others for coming. (And of course the more general message, "WE LOVE YOU, MICHAEL!!!" hee.) Michael, doll that he is, hangs around interacting with us through the glass for a bit.

(I got a great pic of this...one of these three is crazy in that the glare sets him off so perfectly during his final speech that he actually looks like i photoshopped him, but it's totally just how the pic came out...like he is the one thing worth looking at, surrounded by a halo of white. Awesome.) Then they do the team pics for the year, the big game publicity shot, everyone talking and laughing with Michael right in the middle being the star because he is the BOMB (which is a homonym for 'Baum. Coincidence? I think NOT!). And then they're gone for this year. And this has become one of my annual traditions, bar none. And all y'all better try to join me. We'll have us a par-TAY over here at my place!!!

Painfully, on the way out, two of the chicks from the autograph line asked me if I was going to 'the Renaissance'. I'm like, "Buh?" So they elaborated, saying they knew which hotel the guys stay at every year in Seattle. Apparently their first year at this thing, before their General Hospital guy knew where they came from, they'd found out and met the guys in the hotel bar and hung with them for a bit before the van driver took them all to dinner in the city, claiming to be fellow hotel guests.

I was tempted. The thought of running into him in the hotel bar was such a temptation...but Michael recognizes me now, and the last thing I want is to be all stalkery after I worked so hard in the letter to sound like not a freak. I hope I've repaired some of last year's damage; the last thing I want to do is leave another unhinged-fan impression, LOL. Not to mention, I respect him too much. These guys did their public bit for the day; they don't deserve to be ambushed in their 'time off' by fans who are too selfish to take what they can get and be glad. I just wish the women hadn't told me where the place was. Now I know, and it's painful to be good. I'd rather be ignorant, LOL.

I expect mass kudos for being so mature and controlled. Because i still ache over that torturous knowledge, LOL.

I spent the next twenty minutes torturing Lexi with a phone call full of juicy details about Michael's striptease and skating prowess, gushing like the fangirl i am around him, then i stopped in Seattle to see a childhood friend who's visiting the city, and managed not to drive into a ditch on the way home. Thus ends my account of this year's Seattle Hockey Challenge. See you next year...hopefully in person!!! My house is open to all y'all!

I so need some other Rosenfans with me to share the squee! Lexi, you're coming this year if I have to abduct you. We will somehow figure out a way to get Michael to sling his arms around our shoulders for a menage a photo. I will unselfishly whore out the fact of my birthday if it will accomplish said mauling. I am cool that way.
***

RE the pics: As I said, the bench shots during the game rawked, since the Seattle Hockey Challenge is being held in the T-birds' new arena. The old one, Key Arena in Seattle has glass that's all scarred up...but the new one has like, PRISTINE glass. I got some pretty decent pics i think, blur or no blur.

(Seattle Hockey Challenge)

*is still in afterglow*

Seattle Hockey Challenge '09.1!!!

2009-03-02T11:24:59Z

I'm sorry this took so long, folks, but my online access was all floopy today.

Okay, so Seattle Hockey Challenge 09, part one. I was DETERMINED to actually tell Michael some of the things i MEANT to tell him last year, but (as you know if you read my account from last year) totally forgot because i was in such a state of utter squee that i forgot how to make sounds in any recognizable language. So I wrote a letter this year; from me, but also ostensibly from a lot of you that I know share my sentiments about Our Boy, since I felt i had a duty to be there for all of you who could not. I hope no one minds that i wrote in a way that said I was speaking for those not present; I tried my best in the letter to be respectful and yet still get across our deep admiration for Michael's work and generosity. I apologize to everyone whose name isn't on the post-script...I was trying to remember names at the last minute as I feverishly scribbled and re-wrote the letter while sitting on the floor waiting for Michael to arrive. I'll do better next year, and even pass on letters, messages, etc if you want. Likewise, if anyone's upset that I put their name on there and thus words into their mouths, I apologize for that as well. I was trying to be thorough and carry our spirit to Michael so he knew we love him. I figure a letter given hand to hand has a better chance of being read than one sent through a fan club.

the letter:

Dear Michael;

I’m writing this just in case, like last year, my fangirl squee totally overwhelms me once again so I am unable to speak. I had so many things to say to you then, but the thought of finally getting to meet you, however briefly, drove it all out of my head. Which, I must tell you, is a double failure, since I was attempting to pass on the love and gratitude of hundreds of your fans who could not make it to this event.

I am part of a fiercely loyal cadre of Rosenbaum fans who congregate on live journal. We pass on and share your work amongst ourselves and all comers, discuss with breathless anticipation your art and upcoming projects, and see them all the instant they are available. We are not “Smallville“-only fans; we are first, ultimately, and forever Admirers of “The ‘Baum”. I, we, want to thank you for the joy you’ve brought and continue to bring to our lives; not only for the sacrifices you made for so long to bring to wonderful, awe-inspiring and complicated, three-dimensional life the complex character of Alexander Joseph, the TRUE Lex Luthor for years. For that unselfishly dedicated portrayal alone you deserve so much recognition; for the way you made Lex the one to watch; the one we rooted, dreamed, and hoped for because he could not for himself. For that intricate and insightful, riveting work, we thank you. Through both good and bad writing, through years of soul-wearing seriousness…and shaving your head in BC winters (!), you consistently made Lex THE reason we watched “Smallville”. We, most of us, left when you did or became at best occasional viewers, because you had so quickly and thoroughly become the reason we tuned in; to see the magic you made by somehow always staying true to the character, no matter what came your way. You made Lex the HERO of the story, broke our hearts, and in outtakes made us laugh as you lifted up the spirits of your co-workers. You gave us all joy.

And then there is your other body of work; your comic genius in “Sorority Boys”, your intensity in “Rave Macbeth” and “Poolhall Junkies”, your delightful turn as Brandon/Brandy in “Sweet November” that is just about the main reason for having and loving that flick… Your perfect balance of wounded and tough as Kip; your smaller parts that brought life, laughter, depth and zest to so many movies. For “ZDJJ”, which still has a loyal following; for all of your shorts, and for offering them to us free online. We leap on them the instant they are available; “Shear Love”, “Bro Search”, “Special”, “Taken Seriously”, et al. You have an amazing talent. You bring such exquisite depth to even the smallest roles; you make us laugh till we hurt, you make us cry till we are broken…and you always give us a hell of a great ride. Plus, you have a great singing voice.

Thank you for the indelible mark you make; thank you for your warm generosity and your willingness to share so much of yourself; for your grace to your fans; for your zany sense of humor; the interviews that bring smiles to our faces; for giving so much for so long to us all. You amaze us, consistently and seemingly effortlessly, and we are grateful to be allowed to share in your work. The consensus among us is that you are one of the most talented actors we’ve ever followed, and we will be with you, supportive and hooked, no matter what you choose to undertake next. We know you’ll be awesome. You already are. Be well, and again, thank you so much for being here and being you.

Kat Turner,
and the rest of the LJ Clexers and Rosenfans.

PS: (edit) aka Herohunter, Lexi of the Chibi Flash doll, Hills, Tasabian, Ender, Ladydreamer, Drkcherry, and Hamlat among many others send their love. We all do. And thanks for what you do for the kids.

YOU RAWK LIKE A RAWKIN THING!!!

Okay...so the rundown is, I didn't want to be late this year and spend a million years in line, since I could call Lexi (lexalicious70), my Michael-in-Seattle partner in crime from last year, and the wonderful woman we all love in here), but could no longer up the squee by calling Herohunter as well as she's all, like, in Brazil now and stuff, god love her. Which might have been good, as this time around I was trying to keep my squee-factor down to a modicum until i actually SPOKE to Rosey.

The upshot being that i ended up getting there three hours before signing and being FIRST IN LINE.

Okay, so i met and hung with the other folks in line. One lady named Elizabeth--who looks seriously familiar to me, like I think she's an actress, but I can't place her--had brought a shirt Michael wore as Lex in S6 for the auction to benefit the kids. It still had the wardrobe label on it and everything. She seemed to have connections, as the shirt attested, though she was discreet about it (apparently she'd had a Tom/Clark shirt to donate too, but her daughter had wanted it. The young girls always seem to go for the model before they realize Teh Sexy). I tested this theory by asking if she knew if Michael's back was okay to play this year, she said she was in touch with brother Eric and he had said yes...and she was right, so who knows. But OMG, that shirt. Sitting there all untouchable in a sealed bag right in front of me, Lexishly silky and white and with a wardrobe tag still on it and just the thought that i was that close to something Michael had worn for a whole day of being Lex makes me all... *shiverFLAIL*.

*breath*

So I'm all chatting with some of the chicks there, one of them pretty excited since it's her first time meeting Michael, two who remembered me as the 'OHMYGODOHMYGOD!' girl from last year, LOL, and one who was there for Paul Guilfoyle from CSI (Las Vegas, Detective Brass). Poor woman came all the way from Texas and Paul wasn't at the signing table because he was worn out from playing with the kids that morning (the stars usually spend the morning at Ronald McDonald House with the kids before the game) and wanted to save energy for the game that night. She was awesome about her disappointment, though, and said she'd have Michael sign something for Lexalicious for me as I didn't want to overload him, and she'd also take a pic of me talking to him. Awesome woman.

Anyway, I was there at the head of the line, and I'm preparing camera, phone (to keep the line open for Lexalicious, who was gonna come but had surgery like three days before and couldn't fly, dangit!), settling the letter, my 'Sorority Boys' dvd case and Lex card from my new Lex action figure in hand for giving/signing...and OMG! I look up and MICHAEL IS RIGHT THERE! HE IS TOTALLY RIGHT IN FREAKING FRONT OF ME!!!

End of momentary calm.

Of course, i screech, "MICHAEL!"

To be honest with all of you, I wasn't sure if I wanted the poor man to remember me or not, after last time (though I'm not sure he could forget the hand-bowing psycho, haircolor change or not)...but he COMES RIGHT UP TO ME...and PUTS HIS HAND ON MY SHOULDER, SQUEEZES...and says, "Hey, how you doing?"

*iz ded*
He touched me.
Note: he is all scruffy with the hair in a little widow's peak and the stubble, like he's trying to be as hairy as possible now he's done with shaving. When I told Lexalicious that, she died some. She wanted hair pics, LOL.

He touched me.
*headdesk, takes a moment*

Okay, I'm back. Anyway, I go up there and (so proud of myself), despite that overwhelming beginning, manage to speak coherently. I first apologized for my insanity last year, and then gave him the letter and told him about how I represented a large group of fans on Livejournal and that we all follow and support his work and really appreciate that he comes to things like this. He put the letter in the right inside pocket of his leather (yum!) jacket (yay! I hope it makes his heart happy!) and we talked a bit. He was very gracious about last year's idiocy, signed both my dvd case and my Lexpic (I debated aobut that since the poor man probably mostly gets those, but this year i wanted something Lexish too. Now i have a goal of bringing a dvd case a year though, so he can sign em all, hee!)... I thanked him for putting up so much of his recent work online for free, and we chatted about "Taken Seriously". I told him that "My NIPPLES!" had me and Lexi on the floor, then mentioned that Lexi was the one who had given him the Chibi Flash doll last year and that she had wanted to come but couldn't be there because of her surgery. He said he was sorry she couldn't make it but he hopes she feels better and that he sees her next year. God that man is sweet. He signed Lexi's program "Much Love". I think she's still ded over that one. I heard her die when i told her. *pats her cheek* I also gave him herohunter's message. He's met her before and totally remembers her; when i said (edit) sends her love, he smiled really big and said that was great.

He is so damned GENIUNE!

Part Two: (Seattle Hockey Challenge '09.2!!!)

hell of an awesome day!

2009-02-28T09:18:02Z

Okay, so i go in to the main office today to ask if i can still get in on the company snowboarding trip...and the boss calls me in to his office (oops?) and offers me a management position with a new house starting up; to build a team from the ground up! I've only been in the company since August! *flips*

And then...well, i thought things sucked, cuz i found out like a day beforehand that my boy Michael Rosenbaum (aka Teh SEXY!!!) was doing the Seattle Hockey Challenge (annual charity game for Ronald McDonald House) this weekend instead of next weekend, which just happens to be when i'm all broke because the paycheck from my 2nd job never came (ire!) and i'm all swamped w/ bounced check fees...and then today, out of NOWHERE, i suddenly have enough money to see Michael (aka He Who Played The Ultimate Lex Luthor, aka #2 on my Man-List) again this year!!! I so thought i wouldn't make it, or that if i did manage to steal some cash to pay for it, there'd be no tix left or something, being as the game is, like, tonight...and he'd forget about the foo' who went all totally nonverbal and hypersonic on him last year, LOL!

My only boohoo is my girl Lexi won't be there this time, mwaaah! must take many pics for my guru of MR-ness!

maybe i'll actually like, remember to say words to him, something to the effect of "Thank you for being you and gracing our lives with your presence". Which was more or less what i meant to say last time, but sort of forgot how to speak.

happy birthday me!!! what a freakin day!!!

pray for me that my ailing car makes it up to Kent to the stadium. (just there. getting home again is moot, if i get to see MR, LOL!) I'm taking it as a sign i'm meant to go, what with the -$65.00 in the bank suddenly becoming +$65.00 and stuff...

anyone have any messages for Teh Sexy?! *starts packing camera batteries and deciding what to have Teh Sexy sign this year*

Man, i wish i had that "I am the HERO of the story" shirt made for him to sign; he'd possibly like that. Well, mebbe next year! Please keep coming, Michael!

I FINALLY HAVE MY LEX DOLL!!!

2009-02-20T09:06:11Z

After bidding on about ten of them in the past several months (Series One Clark was won quickly and has been mouldering away on my shelf being all mopey and early-seasonish without his Lex)...and then three or four months of not one single Series One Lex being available (or Series Two, for that matter, though i wanted early seasonish Lex) and being plagued by far too many available stupid Arthur and Lana and Impulse dolls...I FINALLY WON ONE TODAY!!!

I decided this time, dammit, price was no object; I'd put in a ridiculously high-ceilinged bid because i was sick of
(A) the imbalance of having Clark without Lex when
(i) they belong together like yin and yang, and
(ii) as a Lex fan first it almost felt like infidelity to have just Clark, and to have Clark first, and no Lex!!!

(B) continually losing hard-fought auctions upon which so many hopes were built, all at the last minute because i was either too close to broke to wager that last ten bucks, or the auction ended while i was at work and couldn't watch it and spring at the last minute, dammit.

So this time i was like, "i don't care. I'll go to a payday loan place if i have to. i will NOT have a damn Clark doll and not a Lex doll!!!"

Clark was too easy to get. Lex... Well, Lex is like gold or platinum or something. For some reason, people hang on to him. Go figure. and i wanted me some of that! After all the love i've sent that boy, i deserve my trophy and symbol of loyalty!!! Just having my Minion Of LexCorp patch wasn't cutting it.

Speaking of the value of Lex and his general popularity in comparison to the so-called star of the series: the Lex doll had 11 bids, while the Clark doll from the same bidder had 3 or 4, and Lana had 2. Biatch.

Telling, wot?
hehe.

I FINALLY HAVE MY LEX DOLL!!! i will hug him and squeeze him and call him Alex, and he and Clark will live on the shelf next to all my gay movies and my first three seasons of SV, and they will regularly rip off each other's little plastic clothes and engage in acts that could get them arrested in many countries and probably still in some states. And it will be good.

*iz happee*

just felt the need to celebrate amongst friends. YAY!
how're alla ya'll?

ps: I've been wondering; i've had this idea of a shirt floating around the recesses of my brain. It's one i could have made by one of those places that does that kind of thing (signs, shirts, bumper stickers, etc); but that kind of thing is only usually available in lots twenty or so. So...if I were to design a shirt that has a picy of our Lexy looking all devilishly Lexish and sexy and have it say, "I am the HERO of this story" on it (because, duh, he so IS), would anyone in here want one of em?

I SO would be wearing mine like every day.

Prayers For Bobby

2009-01-26T09:51:16Z

Yes, it oversimplifies some things, both in the true story and in people's motivations in general...but how could you fit all that into two hours? It does what it's meant to. Sigourney--mindblowing. Same with our young Ryan of Smallville fame (two shows in a row about closeted bigotry being self-destructive...who knew?).

I've begun a debate with a gentleman who said he belived the moral of the movie was that there is no god... http://freethoughtfortwayne.org/2009/01/25/prayers-bobby-reflection/
Because of his struggles to survive the same thing Bobby didn't, I ended up making a very long and careful reply to him:

This is a very good piece, and I thank you for posting it. I certainly understand where you’re coming from, and my only concern is you might lose people near the end by leaving behind statements of fact and debate to assert your own (though hard-won and life-saving) opinion about such a thing as the existence of god. I’m only saying this because we get nowhere in this debate by attacking, any more than they do by attacking us (I’m queer myself, by the way, so please understand I know where you’re coming from).

I certainly agree that the god that teaches hate, no matter how it’s disguised, is not any god I believe in (and don’t get me wrong, I’m not sure if I believe in ‘god’ or not, I’m just thinking ‘out loud’ here). I just worry that in stating so abruptly as if it’s proven fact that ‘god doesn’t exist’ is not going to make the right point here. One, because it’s not the stated point of the film you’re reviewing (I’ll get back to that below), but because most people would say it’s simply not a judgement we can make one way or another. To state as provable fact that there is no god is the same as stating as provable fact that there is, and he hates people. None of us can prove or disprove the existence of god (which is, of course, precisely why none of us can or should purport to speak for god). We can, of course, decide that the matter has no bearing on our lives, as you have, and I’m very glad that it saved your life and sanity and allowed you to live a fulfilling life. I personally believe that we are all entitled to whatever beliefs allow us to do so, any strategy that saves our lives and our sanity in this insane world, as long as they’re harming no one else and are a positive force in our lives; and I praise you for your strength in what you’ve gone through and survived as I would praise anyone who has done so, no matter what got them through. I similarly praise anyone who ‘found Jesus’ if that’s what got them through jail (because really, living in the torture chamber of an unnaccepting family is a jail term, isn’t it?), as long as they keep their beliefs to themselves and use them as a force for positive change and evolution, be it personally or in our world. If no one’s trying to manipulate me ‘for my own good’, they can believe whatever they want, in my opinion; they’re not hurting me or those I love any more than I’m hurting them by being gay and wanting to marry the one I love.

What did spring to mind when I read that line in your otherwise excellent blog here is that I think maybe it might be more accurate to say that, as the paraphrased Mary Griffith put it, it’s not that God didn’t cure Bobby…but that there is nothing to be ‘cured’. That is the point the movie was attempting to get across as far as I could tell; that that is the way in which blind religion kills. Because it manipulates in the name of ‘helping’ and ‘healing’; it brainwashes, it pushes in where it’s neither wanted nor needed, and in that way torments and tears away our humanity; the best part of ourselves, the part that is compassion and acceptance and unconditional love. And if someone came to me as a spiritual person or even a religious person and just talked without judging, as Bobby so hoped his mother could have done, and as she later did with others, then I really don’t care what they believe as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, or is visibly contributing to a better world. There are plenty of people of faith who fight for human rights alongside us, and do so because of their belief in a god…and I don’t believe their reasons for fighting alongside us are any less valid than mine or yours, and I certainly would not rather they not help or not exist…because then we’d lose their strength, and they are our ‘bridge’ to the intolerant ones; our translators if you will.

At this point I feel it necessary to iterate that I’m not affiliated with any religion. I agree wholeheartedly that religion harms as much as it helps, and it very often kills. Therefore I’m not apologizing for anyone when I say I’m sorry you’ve been so burned by religion that you found that spirituality is no longer a pertinent force in your life. Not because I think such a thing is necessary to having a ‘whole’ or ‘fulfilled’ life, since I’m in no way qualified to say a damned thing about anyone else’s existence; I don’t know you and you don’t need my opinions about your life, and both our opinions are equally valid based on our experiences as long as they’re not demonstrably wrong (unlike those we’ve discussed that cause so much harm). I’m only speaking to the article you wrote, as that is all I know about your life/opinions/etc.

Please understand that I am in no way trying to ‘preach’ here. I’ve never believed in pressing my beliefs on others…I just like to debate and discuss. My own strategy, what worked for me to get past this reprehensible mixed message we receive growing up in this society was to separate religion from spirituality in my personal ‘reality’, because I felt the need to keep the latter, and felt it was the former that did the harm. Your strategy was to give the whole mess no place in your life, and I applaud you that you found what works for you, that it did, and kept you alive to live what I am sure is a life that works just fine for you, thank you very much (lol). You’re a strong person who has earned, as I believe I have, the right to believe your beliefs and live your life, and thank goodness for it! I absolutely agree that it’s much better that that a person lose belief in the existence of ‘god’ than that they lose their life. I’d much rather you and anyone else in that painful, impossible situation were a livinge aethist who’s found their own peace, than dead and/or tormented. I just wanted to put it out there that not every belief system says those horrible things, and that just because a person has spiritual convictions does not mean that they subscribe to any religion, dogma, or that they proselytize hate. I agree that all those ‘curative’ programs are heinous abuse, and that it is human ignorance and meanness at fault, not ‘god’. I just feel that in the case of this particular movie, and maybe in the debate at large, the existence or lack thereof of a god should have no place. Whether or not such a thing as god exists is beside the point, because as we all know who are paying attention, this is about justice and basic human rights and dignity. But of course, there’d be no debate if the thing was coming from somewhere rational; and something as emotional as the debate about the existence of god is never rational. That’s what I mean when I say your final assertion here probably does your article more harm than good; it prompts a visceral reaction that sends such people straight back to their rigid beliefs in a kneejerk, instead of opening a dialogue.

What it really gets down to is not whether the better side of our nature comes from a god or just from being good human beings, but the question of when will we finally make our decisions and treat others from the higher/better side of our natures? At least that’s what I took from the film.

Thanks for sharing your story, and I hope you continue to find satisfaction and fulfillment in your life. I personally believe all our paths, spiritual or secular/humanist, etc are equally worthy as long as we live from the better side of our natures…and as a spiritual person who is not religious and respects all aethists and agnostics and believers who fight with us, I will always put out the positive energy that someday we’ll live up to that, and things like what happened to you, and to the street kids I help counsel downtown, and to Bobby will someday be a cautionary tale from a distant and ridiculous past."

I believe we will someday.

A girl named Tiffany posted this in her comments to a review on another page (which I have unfortunately misplaced)... First she brought up the old quote:

"They came for the Communists, and I didn't object - For I wasn't a Communist;
They came for the Socialists, and I didn't object - For I wasn't a Socialist;
They came for the labor leaders, and I didn't object - For I wasn't a labor leader;
They came for the Jews, and I didn't object - For I wasn't a Jew;
Then they came for me - And there was no one left to object."

- Martin Niemoller, German Protestant Pastor, 1892-1984

Then she said:

Now let's put it in modern terms:

They came for the homosexual rights, and I didn't object because I wasn't homosexual.
They came for the women's rights, and I didn't object because I wasn't a woman.
They came for racial minority rights, and I didn't object because I wasn't a racial minority.
Then they came for me, and there was no one left to object.

Now that doesn't all apply to me. I object and I'm a woman (obviously). But it makes a very poignant point. Taking away the rights of one group leads to taking away the rights of other groups.

I refuse to not object. I will be loud, I will post sticker in my car, I will attend rallies, I will picket, I will go door to door, I will place phone calls, I will debate with those who do not wish to hear what I have to say.

I object."

Hear hear, Tiffany!

As Thomas Jefferson said, there should NEVER be an opportunity for the majority to take away the rights of a minority via referendum.

'nuff said.

*is all emo'd out tonight*
why isn't this stupid, reprehensible debate OVER yet?!

just some stuff

2009-01-22T10:41:15Z

I'm still high from the inauguration... No words for how much better i feel.

other subject: has anyone checked out Bush's lyrics for CLex? cuz, omg! wonderful, dark, obsessive stuff on offer there! I already did "Glycerine", and of course Gavin Rossdale's recent effort, "Love Remains The Same" but check these out!!!

first a Clark song, very him...and then a slew of Lex songs, cuz he's just so wonderfully tortured...

i put stars next to the seriously intensely perfect ones.

"Altered States"

Living in a cage.
Washing in a birdbath.
Sinking in a fish bowl.
on a broken farm.
I try to never lie.
I really do.
I wonder if my friends
will get me through.
Conscious of the was
as best we can.
Seventeen ways to kill a man.
States we've been through,
killing nostalgia
for future swims.
Trash all your bridges,
kill the rock all roll thing.
I want to move on
with no complaints.
Building our walls with yesterday.
Might as well shine before you slide.
Might as well you live before you die.
States we've been through.
Talk about states.
A whole lot of emptiness.
Living in a state of constant chasing,
a river of flux for our tasting.
I try to never lie.
I really do.
I wonder if my friends
will get me through.
It always seems to rain when you leave.
I try to stem the flow,
as we bleed.
States we've been through...
Talk about states, states.
Talk about states, states.

***"Body"

Hush child; lay your sweet lips on me.
This greed...bigger than you and me.
Will you come again?
Body.
Tongue tied and a visceral third degree;
feel warm, center of gravity,
wash us all away.
Will you come again?
Will we stay friends?
Oh, you paralyze.
There are times when i wish
that i was you;
thick skinned. Cities you drive through.
Better than me, you're (the one).
Seven days, and my system is free again.
We rise...lose it on oblivion.
Falling away...sorry for the way
your child is on fire.
Lick these, my ruby lips,
drop your protein pills...
Better just to lose yourself.
We kiss we kiss we kiss...
Pretty words could never say...
Will you come again?

***"Mouth" (this song is just about the most early Lexish thing EVER!!!)

You gave me this. Made me give.
Your silver grin,
still sticking it in.
You have soul machine.
Soul machine.
The longest kiss.
Peeling furniture days.
Drift madly to you.
Pollute my heart drain.
You have broken at me,
Broken me.
All your mental armor drags me down.
Nothing hurts like your mouth.
Your loaded smiles.
Pretty just desserts.
Wish it all for you.
So much it never hurts.
You have soul machine.
Stone at me.
All your mental armor drags me down.
We can't breathe when you come around.
All your mental armor drags me down.
Nothing hurts like your mouth (mouth, mouth).
Your mouth (mouth, mouth).
Your mouth (mouth, mouth).
We've been missing long before:
never found our way home.
We've been missing long before,
where we'll find our way.
You gave me this. Made me give.
You have soul machine,
broken free.
All your mental armor drags me down.
We can't breathe when you come around.
All your mental armor drags me down.
Nothing hurts like your mouth (mouth, mouth).
Your mouth (mouth, mouth).
Your mouth (mouth, mouth).
All your mental armor...
All your mental armor...
and your mouth, mouth.

"Bomb"

Wanted to buy you shiny red things. (hehe, like trucks...)
Thought i'd be with you until the end. (*cries*)
How did i know that i would be there?
Blow me away, see if i care.
Death of a future. (*cries harder*)
Goodbye to my friends.
Wish i could see you all again.
Family hollow...family real.
Wish you were here, see how i feel.
Kill a man, kill a girl.
Kill a man, kill a girl.
Jekyll in you
brings out the wired in me.
I have no defense.
I'm all that you see.
The night is a bomb blast.
The night is on fire.
Sing with me in the gasoline choir.
And you say you want to change our minds.
I've paid for your belief with mine.
Of all the bravest stands in time...
You stoop so low you'll never rise.

"Comedown"

Love and hate...get it wrong.
You cut me right back down to size.
Sleep the day. Let it fade.
Who was there to take your place?
No one knows. Never will.
Mostly me, but mostly you.
What do you say, do you do...
when it all comes down?
'Cause i don't want to come back down from this cloud!
It's taken me all this time to find out what i need, yeah! (*sniffle*)
I don't want to come back down from this cloud!
It's taken me all this, all this time!
There is no blame; only shame.
When you beg you just complain.
The more i come, the more i try. (SO Lex!)
All police are paranoid.
So am i. So's the future.
So are you. Be a creature.
What do you say, do you do,
when it all comes down?
'Cause i don't want to come back down from this cloud!
It's taken me all this time to find out what i need, yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
I don't want to come back down from this cloud!
It's taken me all this, all this time!
Shoot up, shoot up, shoot up you're high...
Love and hate...get it wrong.
You cut me right back down to size.
Sleep the day. Let it fade.
Who was there to take your place?
No one knows. Never will.
Mostly me, but mostly you.
What do you say, do you do...
when it all comes down?
'Cause i don't want to come back down from this cloud!
It's taken me all this time to find out what i need, yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
I don't want to come back down from this cloud!
It's taken me all this all this time!
Why did you, why did you, why did you come down?!
I don't want to come back down from this cloud!
This cloud! This cloud! This cloud!

(a couple of 'Smallville bewilders me' songs, lol. poor early Lex, so out of his element.)

"A Tendency To Start Fires"

Strange zoo, strange blaze.
Douse my head in flames.
Coming through got to get some.
Happiness is a bad son. (how Lex is THAT line?!)
Forceps, kitchen tools:
deconstruct your every move.
Feels better when you're here.
Guillotine just got here.
Back bend, back break.
Please yourself to make it rate.
Live it all at your own cost:
so many just got lost.
Leaning for fire,
leaning to fire.
Leaning to fire.
Here's tomorrow man:
best of my ability.
Chasing what i can:
here's tomorrow man.
Instinct, bare boned:
light it up, take it home.
You will be all things.
You'll get what you bring.
Leaning to fire:
leaning to fire.
Leaning to fire.
Here's tomorrow man:
best of my ability.
Chasing watercans.
Here's tomorrow man:
best of my civility.
With our own tongue:
here's tomorrow man.

"Letting The Cables Sleep"

You in the dark.
You in the pain.
You on the run.
Living a hell.
Living your ghost.
Living your end.
Never seem to get in the place that I belong.
Don't wanna lose the time.
Lose the time to come.
Whatever you say, it's alright.
Whatever you do, it's all good.
Whatever you say, it's alright.
Silence is not the way.
We need to talk about it.
If heaven is on the way...
If heaven is on the way.
You in the sea...
on a decline.
Breaking the waves...
Watching the lights go down.
Letting the cables sleep...
Whatever you say, it's alright.
Whatever you do, it's all good.
Whatever you say, it's alright.
Silence is not the way.
We need to talk about it.
If heaven is on the way...
we'll wrap the world around it.
If heaven is on the way...
If heaven is on the way.
I'm a stranger in this town.
I'm a stranger in this town.
I'm a stranger in this town.
If heaven is on the way...
If heaven is on the way...
I'm a stranger in this town.
I'm a stranger in this town.

"Monkey"

The mind is all. We kiss everything.
We say we love. It's the skin we're in.
You're a retrograde, a vacancy.
You're the one i love,
the hate in me.
Lazy day on a darker breed;
to have is not what it's made to be. (*CRYing!!!*)
You come alone on a mass attack,
sucking your tantric suck,
fooling your one-eyed cat.
We don't mind.
We deviate our gravy brains,
set em on fire. They're all the same.
I am lionface. No sancho panza.
I'm riddled by you.
I could've been better. (*god, that man makes me BAWL!!! oh, our tragic Lex...)
I'm a monkey on a drip.
Sucker monkey on a drip.
You take such pretty photos. (hehe, Lex the voyeur.)
When will you be worthy of your good side? (that could be said of either of them.)
Where will you be when the clouds break?
And it all takes...
just a little more than you have. (*sigh*)
We don't mind

"Little Things"

Bleach the sky,
every night;
loaded on wrong,
and further from right.
Spinning around,
two howling moons...
'cause they're always there,
whatever i do.
The river is loaded.
I've been there today.
Took it some questions;
she does me again.
I'd die in your arms,
if you were dead too. (how 'ARCTIC' is that?!)
Here comes a lie;
we will always be true. (*cries* And yet...in a way...)
Going up when coming down;
Scratch away.
It's the little things that kill.
Tearing at my brains again,
the little things that kill.
the little things that kill
(this next bit sounds like Clark to me)
Bigger you give,
bigger you get.
We're boss at denial,
but best at forget.
Cupboard is empty,
we really need food.
Summer is winter,
and you always knew.
Going up when coming down.
Scratch away.
I touch your mouth.
My willy is food.
Addicted to love.
I'm addicted to fools.
I kill you once,
I kill you again.
We're starving and crude.
Welcome my friends to
the little things that kill.

"Machine Head"

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...
Tied to a wheel. Fingers got to feel.
Bleeding through a tourniquet smile.
I spin on a whim, slide to the right.
I felt you like electric light.
For our love, for our fear;
For our rise against the years
(and years and years)...
Got a machine head, better than the rest...
Green to red, machine head.
And I walk from my machine.
I walk from my machine.
Deaf dumb and thirsty,
starting to deserve this.
Leaning on my conscience wall.
Blood is like wine.
Unconscious all the time.
If I had it all again...
I'd change it all.

"Swim"

Could not believe.
Came here today.
Helmet was on.
You blew me away, you.
House is on fire.
We're naked again.
Maybe all we need
is water and friends.
I wanna be just like you.
I wanna feel right through you.
I wanna see just with you.
I wanna live.
I wanna die you.
Thinning ice.
14 hairdryers.
Swimming to you.
Flame on earth. Desire.
Poor on the rise.
Rich on the fall.
The cripple's with you.
Fame is a whore.
I wanna fit inside you.
I want a room inside you.
If money talks I wanna buy you.
I wanna die.
I wanna die.
I wanna live you.
I'm not scared of you.
Gave up on drugs.
If I make it through
the jaws of love...
Jaws of love you give.

"Chemicals Between Us"

I want you to remember
a love so full it could send us all ways.
I want you to surrender.
All my feelings rose today!
And i want you to remain!
The power of children can amaze.
I'll try not to complain.
I know that's a pisser baby.
The chemicals between us...
the walls that lie between us...
lying in this bed...
The chemicals displaced...
There is no lonelier state...
than lying in this bed.
I want you to remember...
everything you said,
every driven word;
like a hammer hell
to my head.
The chemicals between us...
the walls that lie between us...
lying in this bed...
The chemicals displaced...
There is no lonelier state...
than lying in this bed.
The chemicals between us...
The chemicals between us...
lying in this bed.
We are the hollow men!
We are the naked ones!
We never meant you harm!
Never meant you wrong!
I'd like to thank...
all my lovers lovers lovers lovers lovers lovers...
The chemicals between us!
The army of achievers...
lying in this bed...
The chemicals displaced...
there is no lonelier state...
than lying in this bed.
The chemicals between us...
The chemicals between us...
Chemicals!
The chemicals between us...

"Cold Contagious"

Wherever you are,
you will carry always
truth of the scars
and the darkness of your faith.
Slowly move on.
How did we get to here?
It all went wrong,
Gravity claiming all your tears.
Everything looks so much better now.
You will get yours.
You have no right to ask me now.
You were never that around.
I have missed...reality day trips
and your suit me suit me ways.
Turn out the light switch.
We've been awake for days
and no-one's coming round here no more.
You will get yours.
You have no right to calm me down.
You were never that around.
I have missed...cold contagious.
All the mighty mighty men.
What you save is what you lose out in the end.
Cold contagious.
Paint your perfect day.
I don't mind this.
I'm better off, by the way:
deeply grounded.
You will get yours.
Cold contagious.
All the mighty mighty men.
What you save is what you lose out in the end.
Cold contagious.

"History"

gave my love to a thousand yesterdays
nothing is wrong
i am always a little late
probably will, probably won't
get this disease cut out of my throat
all of a sudden you come my way
baby believer,
i won't be saved by morning after
struggling my name
slave turned to master
history moans: mouth of father
history moans: mouth of father
edge of my bed
benzedrine telephone
struggling to speak
sicker than the sickest dog
falling faster than a liar's grin
we need to be saved from the shit we're in
i believe in you i have found
the perfect way to bring me down
i won't be saved
by all your yesterdays
piss on my grave
piss on the underlay
history moans: mouth of our father
it's the movement we're after

***"Straight No Chaser"
(this song is so mid-series Lex it's not even funny)

Always be there:
face i live with.
Always be there:
face i live with.
Abscess memory with broken fingers.
All the fallen down angels.
Raw pain distress: it's all in the way.
We know that we could have it all.
Some satellites of pain can't always be ignored.
War on all sides.
War on all sides.
Drink life as it comes:
straight, no chaser.
Drink life as it comes:
straight, no chaser.
Climb inside you,
away from strangers.
Building a system of alleys and motorways:
It's all in the way that...
We know we could have it all.
Some satellites of pain can't always be ignored.
It's all in the face of what we thought we knew before.
War on all sides.
War on all sides.
Keep on driving,
hair left morning wet.
There's nothing like losing you.
There's nothing like losing you.
There's nothing like losing you.
There's nothing like losing you.

(*cries some more*)

For anyone who doesn't yet have Rave Macbeth...

2009-01-10T09:07:23Z

there's a copy going begging for four bucks, no bids, over at ebay right now, with ten hours left!!! i'd get it myself if i didn't already have it!!!

i am so going to catch up here this month. i've missed way too much news (and fic).

this is some crazy shit.

2008-12-06T10:03:06Z

articulated jaws, man.
snake.
swallows hippo.
regurgitates hippo.

ouch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VryQDsx5Ad8

in unrelated news, "Everything" by Lifehouse is SO MUCH more a CLex song than a CLana song. it's not even in the same UNIVERSE as Lana!

"You are the light that's leading me to the place where I find peace again. ...You are the hope that keeps me trusting. ...You calm the storms, and you give me rest. You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall. You steal my heart, and you take my breath away. Would you take me in? Take me deeper now? ...You're all I want, you're all I need."

so very oldskool Lex.

World AIDS Day is today.

2008-12-01T16:27:55Z

I miss you, Mike. I miss you, Uncle Michael. I miss you both, and many others, and pray for the families of everyone who lost someone, as well as for all those who still suffer. We WILL end this scourge, someday!

Please, everyone, do something today to spread awareness. Thank you.
***

Poems for the ones I lost:

"Blight On Spring"
(For Michael)

Nineteen years old, that murdering Plague
burned you to death in the sunlight.
Your life was just starting to get on track
after years of running, hard on the streets...
You found a Home, and people who knew you
and knew how to Love.
An older brother for the one you lost,
and a father too, in one man.
Friends, a job, and all the answers...
and your strong, delicate songbird, who loves you
more than life.
As she proved it, again and again.
Acceptance from the world that used to spurn your tears.
And when all was going good, and you think,
Hey, maybe it's my turn...
Then It hit you; It hit all of us...
Like black lightening, made us blind...
It ravaged your body, one return
for all the careless sins of adolescence.
Who was there to care when you were running
when you were on the streets
exposed, shirtless, bare skin cold with fleeing to, and away?
Away from Everything and into Nothing
Uncaring like the world.
But here, in a town that Loved you, you hung on.
And we all understood, or came to understand,
and rallied behind you.
And She stood by you through it all...
It took your eyes, your youth, put out your Hope;
but you gave Hope back to us.
And It snuffed out your Love, and your glorious mind, finally...
like a greedy fire, It burned all your hard-won possessions...
Dignity, Trust, Belonging, and Love.
And as a last gift, you had to learn...
She burns with it too.
But no one lays the blame at your feet;
only at the feet of the whole World, at large.
You saw Her once clearly, before you left,
before you burned away...
Saw that She loves you, still and always.
We all do, and we won't forget.
It's been a year now, since we lost you to a crueler sun.
Mike, you are our Rollingstone; hang on until we get there, 'cause we love you,
and we learned things from your shining Heart of liquid Gold.
Nineteen years old, and killed by Love;
but Mike; we'll live with you forever.
***

(The first of many poems for Mike. He was my very dear friend, and the first person I ever knew who died from AIDS. He died on this day, a few years back shortly after his nineteenth birthday; a street kid like so many kicked out because of who he loved.

People ask me why I bother to stand with my candle in the middle of winter for World AIDS Day on December 1st, why I join up every year for the Day of Silence, why I volunteer at United Communities AIDS Network and at hospices... Well, it's for Mike...and all the friends and loves we've lost. I love you, Mike!)

and another:
"Flight"
(for Mike and Uncle Michael)

Fuck this new Black Death!
Why did you have to Die?
(I lost my friend to a four-letter word)
I hate that disease!
It killed my Mike, Her Mike, our Mike;
my love, my friend, my Rollingstone...
He'll never wander from the grave.

Buried in that bed that was your Prison
Surrounded by bars, but embraced by friends
who tried to free you, but couldn't...
So we brought you wildflowers...
leaves and weather,
tried to give you Spring...
You held on until the Winter,
and so did not die in the Cold.
Then you flew, finally.

Sometimes it's hard to believe
what we had to realize, months ago...
that we'd never be able to hold your hand again,
while we both cried
for lost Tomorrows
never again see your beautiful face glowing with Love
and that simple Joy in life that made you
a Singular Gem, in our eyes, and in the World
Never again touch you or hear your voice
laughing or weeping
or talking low and earnest...

One Word
spirited up from us on one Inferno-laden breath...
You went like a wraith...
you had no more strength
to grip the Earth, and stay from floating

and you Flew.
***
That one's also for my Uncle Mike, who died back when this thing was new, in 1989. Watching that wonderful, exciting, fun-loving man, th e one who gave me the best Christmas gifts and never failed to play with his three year old niece when everyone else was off talking adult stuff, the man who taught me to fifties-dance in his mother's living room, reduced to a skeleton in a bed... This needs to stop.

so, one last contribution: a song by Janis Ian which was played at my friend Mike's wake. It's all too fitting.

"When Angels Cry"
(Janis Ian, from the album 'Revenge')

Wait...
Your tired arms must rest.
So let this moment pass.
Wait until the morning.
Close...your eyes and you will see...
who you used to be...
left without a warning.
Who knew one so big could grow so small?
Lighter than the writing on the wall?
When angels cry,
can I
stand by?
When stones weep,
can my heart sleep?
Wish I'd never heard...
wish I'd never heard...
wish I'd never heard...
the power of a four-letter word.

'Cause only love will matter in the end...
for a woman or a man.
What's the difference now?
Here,
we live with bottles and needles and truth.
Here is your living proof...
that death cannot be proud.
Some say it's a judgement on us all.
I can't believe that God could be that small.
When angels cry,
can I
stand by?
When stones weep,
can my heart sleep?
Wish I'd never heard...
wish I'd never heard...
wish I'd never heard...
the power of a four-letter word.

If ever was a soul that longed to fly...
If ever was a rose that longed to bloom...
If ever was an angel, it was you.
So close your eyes...
and say goodbye...
Goodbye.
When angels cry,
I can't
stand by!
When stones weep,
I can't sleep!
Guess I've finally learned!
Guess I've finally learned!
Yes, I've finally learned!
Love is just a four-letter word.
Hope is just a four-letter word.

And THAT is why I wear the red ribbon

My love to all of you. We miss you!!! And for those who are still fighting; we pray for you!!! We are all in this together.

fannish ramblings and rants

2008-11-30T10:45:55Z

Has anyone else seen this PS2 game called "Bully"? I could swear it's borrowed from stories of Lex's time at Excelsior. Bald scrawny younger kid at an elite prep school (with blue uniforms, no less) who is bullied and picked on and has to use his geniusville smarts and clever mischief-making abilities in order to survive. A bald kid who, when he has a skim of hair, appears to be a redhead. Sound familiar to anyone?

just saying. i'm tempted to get the game just for that, though with the fact i don't have a PS2...

still, i have one other game for PS2 (The X-Files: Resist Or Serve) should i ever choose to get one used or something, so that's one more reason to do so i guess.

in other news, the damn blu-ray version of the first X-Files movie, "Fight The Future", has scenes they would never have even ADMITTED they filmed the first time around, for the DVD. kisses and Mulder picking up Scully and carrying her off to apartment 42, with no damned @#$%^&*! in evidence.

i am NOT getting blu-ray for just one movie, though. DAMMIT! i REFUSE.

yay for YouTube, i guess, and the kindly people who risk their accounts to put stuff like this on there for those of us who are unable to see it on our own time.

on another fannish note, i was forced to watch a new ep of SV not this last week but the week before, and it hurt me. Stupid having to watch whatever the clients are watching while at work. Nearly killed me, hearing people still slandering Lex when he's not around to defend himself. And i'm not sure what was worse; seeing the Blahna again when i thought we'd finally gotten rid of her, hearing Clark tell Ollie "you can't blame the son for the sins of the father" and actually trying to sound saintly and like he follows the same belief, the filthy hypocrite (lukewarm and too late, Clark; very lame)...or just hearing yet another person call Lex 'that monster' without being able to kill the bastards for their temerity.

though, hearing someone finally not-so-subtly out the boys yet again made me chortle. "Trouble in paradise? A lovers' tiff?"

hee!
canon, i see you showing some bendy tendencies!

however, what's one positive (if bittersweet for so many reasons) note in the midst of so many evil, stomach-acid-churning ones? i mean, if they can admit it about Clark and Ollie, why not about Clark and Lex? and why do they have to make it CANON that Clark chose THE WRONG FREAKING GUY?!

I wonder if Clark standing up for Lex in his own twisted (and lukewarm) way is a sign that he finally realizes that, if all too late. If he's finally starting to think reconsider his many mistakes... Or maybe the whole Lionel thing is proof that deep inside he never wants to give up on Lex entirely; especially knowing that Lex still wants to do the right thing?

Or will Clark even get that, since his idea of right and wrong is still so damned black and white? Don't the writers realize that the traditional concept of Clark/Superman is not only dated but boring, and doesn't fit this Clark, with all he's seen and done? A Clark with shades of gray would be far more interesting and heroic (and he'd get there a lot faster with Lex's assistance, duh!)...not to mention seem a hell of a lot less holier-than-thou and self-blindingly stubborn.

one can hope.

you know, after all this time i almost fear attributing any deep thought or analysis to Clark, but maybe the stuff Lex said in the Fortress might actually have percolated through that thick skull and set Clarky to thinking for a damn change, instead of his usual strategy. Just run from emergency to emergency; don't think, don't an alyze; and if the emergencies never stop coming, maybe i'll never HAVE to think!

this guy is swimming in so much guilt that he can't even face it.
it almost makes me care again.

Course knowing the one step fwd, two steps back writing of the character, that's likely too much to hope for, but ah well. hope springs eternal. why i still want to believe in Clark is beyond me, except that he is potentially the ONLY vehicle to healing my Lex.

If only he'd stop HURTING him first! *takes a moment to beat her head on the wall in agony over bad timing and too young closeted heroes and crap like that*

poor Lexi. She had to deal with my angry and frustrated text message over that episode last week. poor dear.

i think i scared the people at work, that ep pissed me off so much.

this is why i can't watch latter-day SV.

meanwhile, in incidental notes from RL, i've learned that being forced into stores on sale days like Black Friday give me minor anxiety attacks. too many loud lemming-like swarms of people breathing my same air while waffling about buying decisions. argh.

so...how's everyone doing?

some great stuff here! OBAMA!!!

2008-11-07T09:29:15Z

Want a free Obama sticker to celebrate our victory? It's designed by Shepard Fairey, the artist who created the iconic HOPE poster. And MoveOn's giving them away totally free--even the shipping's free.

I just got mine. Click this link to get your free Obama sticker:
http://pol.moveon.org/shepstickers/?id=-7658356-m87t.tx

plus, a great read, this is awesome:

http://news.aol.com/article/is-it-cool-to-be-an-american-abroad/238998

seeing the victory celebrations in places like Sydney and Cape Town is too. seriously; youtube that shit!
i'm still crying periodically. i feel so uplifted and empowered for a damn change!

last night...

2008-11-05T13:13:47Z

i couldn't sleep.
tonight/this morning i can't because i'm crying too hard.

In a weird way, maybe we should kinda thank Bush for giving us this election, LOL. Seriously though...i doubt it would've happened unless he'd been there first to get ppl so motivated and upset and READY!!!

Weird thing to thank the guy for.

Oh, I never thought i'd see this day. Not after working this hard in the last election and being so broken over it. I mean, i knew this miracle was *possible*, but deep inside my inner pragmatist was beating up the inner idealist and telling me it wasn't PROBABLE...because it would just be too good to be true.

History has been made in our lifetime, and though the road ahead isn't going to be easy, for him or any of us here or in the rest of the world, for now I can be damn proud of this country and of being a part of it; for the first time in so long that i almost forgot what that felt like.

I am just in awe of America right now. And that's something i didn't know i'd ever feel again except in moments of terrible despair like Katrina, when people pulled together. But this...

Truly; if we did this, despite a failing system, we can do anything. I actually feel hope. That in itself is such a sea change that it feels like enough right there. And the fact that we have just elected a black man as US president, right over the top of that system, makes me think that maybe this country has finally grown up a little.

Amen, Blessed Be, and...just for now, i think we deserve also to PARTAY!!!!

Congrats Mr. President Elect Barack Hussein Obama. May we protect you long enough for you to try to do what you aspire to in your call to service; and may we try to come together enough, as both candidates asked, to help make it possible yet again.

Thank God/Goddess/Spirit and everyone who worked so hard to make this happen.

Maybe i can sleep today, after all.

Even Prop 8 isn't wholly breaking the spell for me right now, cuz i know it won't last long. I've just been schooled. Tonight i believe anything is possible, though for those married couples soon to be dissolved, i can only week the other kind of tears. But right now, i BELIEVE that yes we motherfucking CAN!!!

Thank you Mr. Obama, for that, and thank YOU, all of you, for giving us this!!!

elections

2008-11-04T10:27:26Z

if McCain wins, i'm emigrating to the Yukon. I'll run my computer by bicycle.

just sayin'.

OBAMA ALL THE WAY!!!

okay, so i promised news.

2008-11-03T08:45:37Z

Yeah. It's been a while. For anyone who still remembers who i am after several months hiatus (i think the last time i got to fully explore my flist was like July or something?), here's the lowdown. You know, for anyone who's interested, LOL...if not, pls ignore.

So. I was searching for a new job, got it and love it (and get much better pay); but i was used to working at about thirty or less hours a week and had plenty of time to wank off in here reading CLex and other of that sort of mental masturbation...and now with two jobs (i kept one client from my old job cuz she is teh awesome), i just can't get here anymore. Which sux, cuz i miss y'all. And CLex, of course, but that goes w/o saying. I mean, rly.

Unfortunately just when things were settling and i thought i'd have the time to get back in here and catch up on some fic and people's lives (art and life being inextricable on here, right?), my car died. Which turned out to be a good thing in some ways i guess, but because my new job hadn't have time to kick in paycheck-wise before said car gave up the ghost, it was the usual crimp for a month or two. I'd been putting a lot of miles on the thing as a requirement of the new job, so it really shouldn't have surprised me as much as it did. But anyway, i had this whole car search going on, which kept me off of here...and in the meantime, i was bicycling to work and back (usually after midnight, cuz i work swing shift now, thank Goddess). I think it added up to 18 or so miles and 2-3 hours a day...which equalled a lot less leisure time (translation: a lot less keyboard time with Our Boys and Friends Of Our Boys).

After a month i saved a bit of cash and flew to the family homestead in Idaho to buy a spare car off the folks, drove it back across Oregon, and have since been working my arse off to get it up to scratch (tune-ups, etc), stripping down the old car for anything i could keep (cd player, etc). In place of my 97 dodge neon i now have a black 87 mercury cougar with a red interior that reminds me of my gramma's buick and makes me feel like kind of a pimp. However since i have to register the thing in WA anyway, it did force me to finally make real my threat to get a fanfic-related license plate. I'm flirting with either MSRCLEX as my top two OTPs, or something spiritual, like LIVEHED. there are many variations to choose from. any ideas?

Now the car's going and I've helped the family to see off a recently deceased uncle, maybe i can get back on here and get caught up with all of you. so, tell me...what's been up, ppl?!

maybe i should actually try to read the flist, huh?

i think, however, i might have overloaded myself with groups, because those entries are overwhelming my actual FRIEND entries. There's a lot to wade through, which makes it daunting. I do want to know what's been going on, though, so i'll give it a whirl. Though on sober reflection a real excavation of the flist may have to wait until after this coming weekend when, job-scheduler-willing, i'll be going to a little festival called Hecate's Sicle for my religious holiday of Samhain. Can't put that off. It's an experience for which i've been yearning for about five years now unrequited.
ah, unrequited love.

Not to mention it's already paid for, LOL.

Despite my absence, however, i have thought of you all every day, and missed y'all. Just wanted you to know that.