The Which Batman Essay. (Regarding an Upset)
(cut for length)

So, i was re-watching the first (Burton/Keaton) Batman movie for the first time in a few years, enjoying the memories AND the wonderful set design. My bro and I got a copy of that flick before the rest of the world saw it in theaters cuz our dad worked on the sets (he was a grip). I still buff my nails over that one. Limited edition studio-promotional cover for the crew, et al. The only other flick we can really brag about is TRON, in which Dad crewed sets and lighting; but only total geeks remember that movie proudly and know that if there had been no TRON, there would be no Matrix, et al. HUZZAH!

Anyway.

So maybe the first Batmovie has a special place in my heart, the way the movie sort of burst into my life at about fourth grade or so and became a part of my pantheon. But for me, the Keaton/Burton Batman was IT for like ever. Keaton wasn't the best Bruce WAYNE ever (that cover was less of a playboy and more of a dweeb, LOL)...but he made a hell of a Batman, and you know, he was the first of the flicks, so he set the standard. Not to mention anything with Tim Burton and Danny Elfman is the kooky dark gold standard (because Kat loves kooky. I mean, Burton got CHRISTOPHER WALKEN to play the headless horseman! And he ALWAYS gets Johnny! Damn geniues, all of them).

Not to mention with Burton you get the superb castiong of Jack, Danny, and of course and my favorite, Michelle. You simply cannot BEAT CatwomanMichelle!!! You CanNOT.

For more than a decade, none of the subsequent Bats shook me from my mourning over losing the KeatonBat. Now, I love Val Kilmer. From the days of 'Willow', he was my BOY. In 'the Saint' and especially 'Tombstone', he knocked my socks off, cuz, dayum. I'm sure there are others moments of DAYUM for Val that I'm not recalling at the moment, but DAYUM, that man can act the fuck out of celluloid. His wife of however many million years since they did 'Willow' together, Joanne Whalley, left him over the Doc Holliday role, because he was so method he BECAME Doc Holliday for the duration of filming, on AND off set...and she didn't marry that chain-smoking womanizer; she married a man that disappeared for however long.

Now that's dedication to your craft.

Okay, so now that we've established that I would never in this life knock a thing that Val did or ever will do; back to his Bat. I think acting-wise, he must have done a similarly superb job, because I simply cannot imagine that man NOT doing a superb job with any role. His downfall as the Bat was nothing to do with acting--I say out of pure faith--but with a mistake in the make-up department. (I can't swear to the acting part, because despite my Kilmer-adoration I couldn't watch Batman Forever more than the one time. But in making a statement based on pure faith, I'm absolutely SURE that my Vallie did a splendid Bat.) Because...you can't see hair color under the pointy-eared helmet. No; the problem was Bruce. Not the acting; I do remember distinctly that he ACTED a great Bruce. Possibly the first great Bruce.

But he was BLONDE.

That may seem like a sort of picayune reason to not buy someone in a role...but it's BATMAN; and Batman is NOT blonde. Talk about ruining a man's superb acting with bad make-up decisions! I mean, couldn't they have just dyed his hair? Seriously, with a budget like Batman movies have--yes, even with Val's complexion--they could have sprung for some brunette hair dye and maybe a little darker foundation. I mean c'mon. It's BRUCE. Blonde hair in the Bat is like, sacriligeous.

It would be like having a blonde Superman/Clark. You just don't do it.
(Tangent: why are our heroes so often brunettes? Just wondering. I mean, Wonder Woman (all hail!), the Hulk, et al...)

Moving on.
Okay, so I really loved Jim Carrey as the Riddler, and as always, Tommy Lee can do just about anything he WANTS to and I'll watch it and love it. But still. As in the first two, somehow the pure quality (and occasionally, the sheer quantity) of villains outweighs the weight the hero brings to the screen somehow. I mean, c'mon. So far on the list we've had JACK, DANNY, Michelle, Jim, TOMMY. Not kidding. "Your entrance was good; his was better." Only the other way around.

Now, I'm not even going to touch the Clooney years. I am still smarting over that piece of casting. It was like when what's-his-nut, Roger Moore, took over from Sean as 007. He just got it WRONG. Moore played a too-nice, not-edgy-enough-beneath-the-smooth sort of 007; one I simply cannot bring myself to call by the name 'Bond, James Bond'. (Not to mention anyone would have to be stupid to take over after Sean in anything, but as per usual, I digress). Which is why I don't like Pierce as 007 and never really gave his Bond-flicks more than one glance; because Pierce looked more to Moore's bond than he did to Sean's Bond...and it just wasn't a smart move. When someone--especially someone like SEAN--originates the role and nails down what that role entails, you follow THAT guy, not the guy who took it and dragged it ON and ON for AGES the WRONG way.

But this post isn't about Bond. It's about the Bat/Bruce conundrum. And to this day, I simply cannot figure out what idiot miscast George as Bat/Bruce. Yeah, I'm sure he's a great actor. In other flicks, I enjoy him. He's done a few roles that impressed me deeply.

But not as the Bat. He was just too...sweet and safe. And if there is ONE thing that Batman will NEVER be, it's SAFE. Half the time, he's too driven and fucked up and edgy to even be NICE. It's like Lex trying to be a superhero (and btw, everyone should read IIBNF's 'Ihero' if they want a touch of what that would be like). But somehow in the two (were there two? I've blocked them out) Clooney-Bat flicks (wait, maybe it was just one, but it dragged on FOREVER and seemed like two?), it just got too...NICE. Like, he was trying to be hard...but you just couldn't buy it. Not with all the Batgirliness and the Robinness going on. You could see the sweet lurking below the tough guy exterior...and that is NOT the Bat.

Not to mention you had the worst villains in the entire franchise. I mean, seriously. Ah-nold as a human refrigerator? C'MON! Even the graphic novels didn't get that comic-booky with it! Uma was pretty good, okay, though no Michelle. And don't get me wrong, I loved that one of 'em was female. But the whole ridiculous Dr. Freeze thing just killed it. When one side of the villain duet is sad and droopy, it kills the entire plot. Despite the blonde thing, I can love the third Batmovie because the villains were superb. But when the Bat/Bruce is blah AND the villains are cheesy (not to mention when you throw in sublots like a Batgirl played by ALICIA SILVERSTONE, *shudder*); what is there to hope for? Much less watch for.

So after all that, I had more or less given up. That last one truly killed it for me; or so I believed. I decided it was set in stone that noyone could replace the Keat-Bat. Because my morale on the Batman thing was so low, I didn't even bother to go see Batman Begins in the theater, despite the fact I whole heartedly approve of Christian Bale--in that role, in anything for that matter. Dragon-killer or not (yes, i might even forgive him for killing dragons cuz he's so damn good!), after 'Equilibrium', Christian Bale owns more than a small piece of my soul. Maybe even some of my heart.

I was just tired of being disappointed. I knew CHRISTIAN would be good...but after the spectacularly hideous failure of plot and badguyness and the saccharine, overly-annoying-sidekickyness and way-too-colorful-costumes of the last two, I couldn't quite handle getting my hopes up again.

I finally saw Bat-Begins when it came out on video...and of course, I was blown away. I don't have to tell y'all why, since y'all saw it too. WELL done, even if for the first time, the villains were outshined by the hero. In fact, that was even a nice change. Because to finally get a TRULY dark Batman, who for the first time truly played BRUCE, with all his awesomely fucked up edges (AND was a brunette, LOL) was just THRILLING. INSPIRING. AND I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE WHAT 'THE DARK KNIGHT' WILL BE LIKE.

It took me until I saw the trailers to comprehend how much I want to see the missing chapter that is the upcoming sequel. And this is why it took me till today to realize that, shocking as this concept may be, the longstanding reign of the Keaton/Burton Bat might actually be broken for me. And along with it, the curse of the sadBats. Because, ladies and gentlemen, barring natural disaster...we have us a real Bat that is also--and here's the kicker--a real BRUCE.

I find i am very excited about this installment. It's a nice feeling.


OOOH, and i just found out... GARY OLDMAN is in this one!!! Gary OLDMAN!!!

Tags: batman, dorkery, geekness, movies
Currently Living In...: home geeking between shifts
Fuzzy or Emo?: chipper
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